Teutonic ticking off

TELLY watching is people's main source of entertainment at the moment, which explains the huge success of Netflix show Tiger King, a true crime documentary of epic strangeness. The Diary also likes reporting on the weird and the wonderful, so hopefully one of the following classic tales will be adapted into a Netflix show of the future.

For instance, a family saga could surely be based on the Scottish granny we once overheard admonishing her half-German grandwean on a North Sea Ferry. "Gretchen," she barked,"If ye dinnae stoap that you'll get yer heid in your hauns to play wi'."

Hot dessert

SOME of those Netflix shows are rather racy. So they could perhaps make an X-rated adaptation of the chap in a restaurant we once overheard informing a waitress: "We'll just have the soup and the pudding, lassie. We've no time for the intercourse."

Mist opportunity

A YOUNG lady driver was pulled in by the traffic polis one morning when visibility was very poor. "What does the Highway Code tell us to do when we see mist or fog?" the cop asked in an avuncular but firm manner. Puzzled but keen to cooperate, the young lady thought for a minute before giving this reply, worthy of children's TV: "We should put on Mister Lights."

Footy fracas

A LANARKSHIRE youth football team went to Paris to take part in a tournament. Everything was going smoothly for the team. They'd won both their games. But the team coach was concerned to see that one of his boys, who had been engaged in conversation by some local lads, appeared to be on the verge of a spot of fisticuffs. The coach intervened and asked the lad, who was from Larkhill, what the problem was. "He swore at me," said the Lanarkshire boy. The French boys, rather taken aback at his reaction, explained that they had merely asked if the Scottish team had been the winner, or vainqueur, of their section.

Making (up) the grade

WE recall the foreman in the parks department who had to cope with student summer workers and who often accused them of being "too smart with your O levels and your C levels."

No nonsense notice

A SIGN was once spotted attached to a defective turnstile at Cowcaddens Underground station in Glasgow which read: "Broke – As in Not Working."

Fishy behaviour

A DENIZEN OF Dennistoun was making his way home from a public house having purchased a fish supper. On Duke Street he was accosted by a footpad with the words: "Gies that fish supper or I'll batter your face." He found this an offer he couldn't refuse.

Team talk

AS a young Rangers player Alex Ferguson (who ended up with some sort of job in Manchester) was unhappy at being left out of the first team. He stormed into the office of manager Scott Symon. "Why have I been in the second team for three weeks?" he asked. The magisterial Mr Symon replied: "Because we don't have a third team."

Unchummy chat

WE end with a philosophical question once put to us. Why does the phrase "Look, pal," in Glaswegian have nothing to do with friendship?