Fuzzy recollection

A DIARY tale about a mouthy maw reminds Bill Lindsay from Erskine of a story told by that legendary man of letters, Cliff Hanley. On a bus in Glasgow’s West End, Cliff observed a young boy and his mother. They didn’t appear to be natives of the salubrious area they were driving through.

The boy was eating an orange and then started to rub it on the back of the expensive fur coat of the lady in the seat in front.

Such behaviour resulted in a scolding from his mother, who said: “Stoap that! Ye’ll get yir orange aw herry!”

Stretching the truth

A PUZZLER from reader Marvin Grant, who asks what’s the longest word in the English language. It’s "smile" he reveals, as there’s a mile between the first and last letters.

Fowl music

A FRIEND asked George Campbell from Pollokshields if he knew how to turn a duck into a country singer. George admitted he didn’t. "You put it in the microwave,” his chum explained, “And turn up the power until its bill withers."

Highly unnatural

A BUILD UP of earwax is a common complaint with readers, who regularly admit to mishearing song lyrics. Julie Butler from Cumbernauld loves the Aretha Franklin song (You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman, though she used to believe the words were: “I feel like a wreck of a woman.”

“Maybe I was adding an autobiographical element to the song,” admits Julie.

(B)room with a view

“MY Tinder biography says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive an expensive vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel,” boasts reader Andy Miller, who adds with slightly less swagger: “My dates always seem disappointed when I tell them I’m a bus driver.”

The cruellest cut

WITH hair salons closed for the foreseeable future a valiant vanguard of amateur Vidal Sassoons have sprung up across the nation, as people attempt to maintain the increasingly unruly locks of their nearest and dearest. With this being the case, Bob Jamieson’s wife received a text from a friend asking if she and Bob had cut each other’s hair yet.

Bob’s wife responded in a snip-snippy fashion that has her hubby worried.

"Hair no,” she typed, “Throats yes.’’

Ice cream wars

WE recently revealed that in biblical times a popular brand of ice cream was Wall’s of Jericho. Today we bring you another exclusive ice cream "scoop", courtesy of Ian Noble from Carstairs Village who tells us Wall’s main rival was… Lyons of Judah.

Beverage badinage

PUN-LOVING Fife comedian Richard Pulsford had a look round a coffee magnate’s estate: “Maxwell House was uninspiring,” he says, “But you should have seen the grounds.”

Read more: 1938: The wonder city’s royal unveiling