Beatling about

THE Diary loves a bit of aggro, and with Tyson Fury and Deontay Wilder not scheduled to scrap for several months, we were happy to see a musical heavyweight step into the ring instead. Paul McCartney was in full ‘come ahead if you think you’re hard enough’ mode this week when he gave a radio interviewer a list of reasons why he believed the Beatles were better than The Rolling Stones. Cue worldwide debate to settle this thorny issue once and for all.

Diary enthusiasts likewise squabble over which of our tales is the daftest. To help them reach a definitive conclusion we continue to celebrate our classic tales and quirky comments each Saturday.

For instance, we recall the time a reader asked why abbreviation is such a long word.

Legal language

WE often reminisce fondly over the quality quips of J Irvine Smith, the legendary sheriff who graced the courts of Glasgow and Greenock. Having listened to an accused recite his version of events, Irvine Smith leaned forward and told him: “You are a fecund liar.”

“Oh no I’m not,” said the accused. “I’m telling the f***ing truth!”

High dudgeon

THERE appears to be no bounds to the allergy your average Celtic fan has to anything remotely connected with Rangers. We heard of one Hoops fan on a construction site who hated using the platform lift because it was made by a company called Alimac. This meant it was an Alimac hoist.

A light-ly story

A LANARKSHIRE father told us of the time his daughter noticed her car was low on petrol as she drove home. Ten minutes later she was stopped by the polis and asked why, at 11pm, she was driving without lights. She replied: “I’m almost out of petrol so I switched off the lights to save fuel.”

Thistle do nicely

WE recall the advert for a shortbread mould that read: “Our eight-inch shortbread mould is expertly hand-carved in Scotland with a pineapple motif. The traditional symbol of welcome and friendship.” The pineapple motif, on closer inspection, looked awfy like a thistle.

Ch-ch-ch changes

THE Diary has always had a penchant for detailing the dramatic changes in Glasgow over the past few decades. For instance, a while back no self-respecting Glesga journalist would use a word like penchant.

Another example. A proud Glaswegian’s girlfriend used to be called Senga and she was a waitress in the works canteen. Nowadays she’s called Miranda and she’s a drama student who works part-time as a waitress with an outside catering company who provide on-location buffets for the BBC.

Evening’s entertainment

ANOTHER of our favourite stories about the comedian Chic Murray, who was famous for his conversations with his doctor. “Tell me,” asked the GP, “Are you disturbed by improper thoughts during the night?”

“No,” Chic replied. “I actually enjoy them.”

Menu minus mini munchers

A SCOT on holiday in Winchester was severely molested by mysterious insects in the hotel garden. When he went into dinner he asked the waitress if they had midges there. “I’m sorry we don’t,” she replied, “but I’ll send out for some.”

Mob rule school

WE love a good malapropism. Such as the woman whose friend got a job as a ‘vigilante’ during the high school examinations.