Coronavirus in Scotland: How to maintain and see your relationship thrive in lockdown

Stuart Valentine, chief executive at Relationships Scotland, said: "Few of us expected a few short weeks ago that we were suddenly about to begin a whole new relationship, with our current partners. But for many, that might just be how we are feeling today.

"For some couples this could be an unexpected bonus, but no doubt for many others the lockdown will see a whole new experience develop, one marked by irritations, annoying habits and arguments. Few relationships could encounter such a change without some level of adjustment, so we should be kind on ourselves, and our partners, if we find this new way of living a challenge at times."

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Valentine added that with our homes becoming our offices and, for those with children, our schools as well, it is no wonder life is especially difficult.

He added: "It is even tougher still for those living in small, poor-quality housing or for those living in fear of abuse at the hands of their partner. Many couples are finding the need to develop new routines and new ways of managing their days. There are ways to make things a little better."

Dr Clare Daly, director, doctorate in educational psychology at the University of Strathclyde, said the first few weeks were a time of uncertainty and perhaps a bit of a novelty. However, she added that as the lockdown continues it is beginning to feel like this is the new normal.

Daly said: "Clear feelings of anxiety may have passed. However, a more deep-routed anxiety may be more apparent through your or your partner’s behaviours at home, for example increasing feelings of anger, disrupted sleeping, lack of focus, avoidance, over-planning, negativity.

"We are being bombarded with stimulating things to do, an array of new, mostly free hobbies to try out at home, and social media has gone wild with 'perfect’ lockdown family photos, which can be overwhelming. It can make the situation even more difficult if you are isolating full-time with your partner."

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According to Daly we often choose partners based on who may complement our personality – as the old adage goes, opposites attract. For example, extroverts may be drawn to introverts' seemingly more relaxed and mysterious attitude whereas introverts can benefit from an extrovert taking them out of their comfort zone.

She added: "In normal times this can create a delicate balance in a relationship, however during lockdown this could cause serious friction. In this instance, both partners will have very different styles of coping with the pandemic; now is not the time to make big decisions. Some will have a stronger tolerance for ambiguity while their partner may have a greater need for structure and routine. Additionally, introverts may enjoy aspects of isolation and are able to regulate themselves where their extrovert partner be craving external stimulation.

"It is important not to take things to personally or literally at this time as feelings and emotions are heightened and outwith normality. Even the most harmonious of couples will argue."

Talking to your partner about what you need right now and allowing each other to have the opportunities they need is vital in supporting your relationship, according to Daly.

She added: "Everyone needs their own space, physical and mental. It can be helpful to allocate a room or an area in your house for you to take time out. Although you may be spending all your time together, think about the quality of the time spent. Even 10 minutes of positive happy interactions (playing a game, laughing at memories) will have a positive effect on your wellbeing.

"Take this time to remember the things you value in each other and have possibly taken for granted. Remember if you don’t know what an extrovert is thinking, you haven’t listened (they often speak out loud) – and if you don’t know what an introvert is thinking, you probably haven’t asked!"

CASE STUDY: The Hayes family

Fiona Hayes has been working from home for five weeks with her husband Scott and two-year-old daughter Thea around for company.

The 31-year-old, from East Dunbartonshire, said lockdown has brought challenges but she and Scott have enjoyed the close family time it has allowed.

Fiona, associate director at creative agency Wire, said: “Everything changed overnight. I had to get used to a way of working from home and my husband Scott has been furloughed from work and has effectively become a stay-at-home dad. I have been ‘pretending’ to go to work every day to Thea which has meant me hiding upstairs and coming back for lunch and saying ‘mummy’s home'. I had been at home with Thea on maternity leave so I know it is a lot for Scott as he is doing the bulk of the childcare during the day.

“There have been some challenges with lockdown but it has been nice to have that extra family time. We have a very close extended family and even go on holidays together, so it has made a nice change to be on our own. I think it has brought us closer together having that undivided family time. Although there are moments when I think he needs time on projects in the garage.”

Husband Scott said although Fiona working from home isn't new although the fact she is having to sneak up to the attic with coffee so their toddler doesn't get upset at her coming and going certainly is.

He said: “The good side of it is getting more family time. I'm planning lots of fun activities to keep our daughter entertained and Fiona and I are still having movie nights and making nice meals together to help make life feel as normal as it can be right now.”

Scott added: “It's given me a new appreciation for Fiona. Her work has a flexible working policy, so she tends to be at home more with Thea. I now understand why she could be so frazzled after a day at home.

"The hard parts are definitely the uncertainty and worrying about family. But also the lack of time to myself, even the drive to work is good thinking time that I used to take for granted. I have been throwing myself into projects around the house, like turning my garage into a makeshift games and cinema room. If anything, it gives us an extra room so we aren't all on top of one another.”

CASE STUDY: The Healey-Ryder family

Whisky marketing executive Kieran Healey-Ryder and his husband Kristian have been imaginative with entertainment in lockdown.

They have enjoying the community spirit with their neighbours in Strathbungo, in Glasgow's southside, and this weekend joined in a virtual murder mystery evening. They have also been coming up with novel ideas to keep their two daughters, who are aged 11 and eight, occupied.

Kieran, 38, said: "I think we have been surviving with a combination of humour, coffee and amazing neighbours. We are testing our arts and crafts skills every day. And we did a 'hug in the post' to send friends and family.

"It involved cutting out two hands, decorated, tied together with ribbon and sent with a message in the post."

Last weekend they organised an Easter egg scavenger hunt which the community embrace.

Kieran added: "Neighbours decorated and displayed Easter eggs in their house, and on our daily exercise we set about to find them. We already had a great a community here. Now we are all just a wee bit more connected. "

Kristian said coping with lockdown has been better in Glasgow.

He said: "People are much friendlier and community minded here than the south-east of England.

"We are fortunate to have space at home and the local green spaces. I wonder if it will disproportionately affect people that may not have access to that."

Kieran's job meant he travelled often but lockdown has seen him working from home with the family around, and they have been together for meal times a lot more.

Kristian added: "Cooking is an important part of it. We are more mindful of what we eat, how we eat. We are all reading every day and listening to podcasts and audio books."

While Kieran has been concentrating on work, he has had some welcome distractions.

"Lunch together is a plus, as is the comedy post. Every day I receive at least one note under the door whilst I'm working, increasingly comedic, ridiculous, and creative."

The couple has also been attempting to create lesson plans and the girls have been following Carol Vorderman's maths tutorials which they say has transformed how their eldest approaches maths.

Kieran added: "One activity that's kept us sane is that we decided to support and lend a hand to a charity.

"We asked the girls to chose a charity to find out about and support. The girls have 'eaten' their school work and this gave them a project to focus on. They very sweetly chose Shelter Scotland as a charity close to home and a fundraiser I had done. Then they asked to do 'something for nature'. The two of them have been very influenced by Greta Thunberg, but mainly are missing Highland adventures especially 'tree climbing, pooh sticks and gruffalo hunting'. So they will be donating to https://treesforlife.org.uk/about-us/"

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