Unprimed minister

ANOTHER biblical-themed tale. The cousin of Gordon Fisher of Stewarton was training to become a minister. He was informed that his first placement would be a church in Glasgow's east end. The aspiring man of the cloth was extremely nervous stepping forward to deliver his first message to the children of the Kirk, which was about Samson slaying the Philistines. The debutant wanted the boys and girls to know that no matter how big their problem, God would give them the powers to persevere, as he had for Samson. When the agony of his oration was over the trainee asked the presiding minister what he thought of his sermon.

The earnest fledgling was informed that while the message was good, the minister didn't quite understand why he kept calling the long-haired man of strength Tarzan.

The write stuff

AN unlikely story. “I’ve written a book on penguins,” says reader Rob Doyle, who adds: “In hindsight, paper would have been better.”

Bye bye baby

APPARENTLY reader Dennis Mitchum lives in an extraordinary town where the population never changes. “Every time a girl gets pregnant a guy leaves town,” explains Dennis.

Back seat banter

A RECENT driving lesson story reminds Amy Kinnaird from Ayrshire of the time she took her son and nephew, both 11-years-old, to a local park soon after passing her own driving test. Having smoothly parked the car, Amy was feeling rather proud of herself.

Turning to the boys in the back seat, she said: "See, Billy. Your Aunt Amy is not just a pretty face."

Came the rather deflating reply: "Aunt Amy, you're no' even that.”

Chic chat

A RUN of Chic Murray anecdotes reminds reader Simon Paterson of one of his favourite tales told by the great comedian. Chic and his wife were at Glasgow Airport waiting to board a flight. “I wish we’d brought the piano,” sighed Chic.

“Why on earth would we want the piano on holiday?” asked his wife.

“Because it’s got the tickets and passports on it,” replied Chic reasonably.

Copy catty

“MY university professor has accused me of plagiarising,” says student Wendy Arnold, who adds: “His words, not mine.”

Psychedelic colon

ANOTHER misheard song lyric. The Beatles song Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds is a surreal ditty that includes the wacko words: “The girl with kaleidoscope eyes.” (Hey, it was the 1960s.) Arthur Kirkpatrick once believed the lyric was stranger still, and was in fact: “The girl with colitis goes by.”

Bum joke

DAFT joke time. “What has two bottoms and can kill people?” asks reader Murray Hill. The answer, he reveals, is an assassin.

Read more: Princess Anne in Scotland, 1970 and 1971