Court in the act

ANOTHER story about that redoubtable man of law, Sheriff J Irvine Smith. A reader recalls the time a case was being heard at Glasgow’s Sheriff Court. The legal giant was getting annoyed by a man in the public gallery who was chewing gum rather loudly. So Irvine Smith called over the burly Clerk and, pointing at the gum chewer, whispered: “Clerk, tell that man to stop masticating in my courtroom.”

The clerk went over to the chewing man and said: “Haw, you. Get your hauns oot o yer pockets.”

Hello, sailor

A READER recalls a splendid formal banquet he attended. A guest sitting next to the host happened to casually remark that the dish being served also went well with spinach. The host quietly summoned the head waiter and whispered to him.

Some minutes later a red-faced and flustered waitress bursts through the serving doors behind the head table and rumbled loudly: “OK, which one of yous is Popeye?”

Thames barrier

WE’VE been running biblical tales and recollections of misheard lyrics. Scott Macintosh proudly reveals he can combine both themes. He explains that a young lad at the Sunday School he attended believed the Lord’s Prayer included the words: "Lead us not into Thames Station."

Clean getaway

HEARING a loud yell, Lisa Buchan from Falkirk ran into the kitchen, where her husband told her he thought he had spotted a cockroach. Hubby proceeded to spray everything down while giving all the surfaces a thorough clean.

“If I ever find that cockroach,” says Lisa, “I’m putting it in the bathroom next.”

Hard to swallow

OUR story about the usefulness of horse manure reminds Neil Scott from Edinburgh of the man who was shovelling up dung left by a horse that had just clip-clopped down his street. This fellow’s neighbour asked what he was doing. "It's for my rhubarb," explained the busy shoveller.

“Oh?” replied the neighbour. “I have custard with mine."


ACTOR and comedy writer Sanjeev Kohli has many talents but clearly he could never have been a chemist. “I don’t hate ALL of the periodic table,” he explains. “Just elements of it.”

Last legs

AN intriguing question from reader Bill Lindsay, who asks: “What has 100 legs and three teeth?” The answer: “The front row of a Sydney Devine concert.”

Read more: Roddy McMillan: The Vital Spark and beyond