Cod made cosy

THE final resting place of what appears to be a prehistoric chieftain and his shaman has been discovered in south west England. Archaeologists will no doubt learn a lot about our ancient ancestors from the site. Of course, there’s no need for digging about in old graves to understand the travails and triumphs of modern man and woman. Just read The Diary every day and you’ll discover what we’re all about, as the following selection of classic tales underlines. For instance, a reader once asked us how do chippies always get the fish the right size to fit the batter?

Name Game

WE were told the true story of three sisters with the family name Wild, who made a pact that as there were no brothers, they would preserve the family name by including it as part of a double-barrelled surname with their spouses. Unfortunately eldest sister Sadie got cold feet when she became engaged to a Joseph Hoare, as she balked at introducing herself as Wild-Hoare. The other sisters decided they would avoid anyone called West, Oates, Rice, or the very unlikely, admittedly Life-on-one.

Dim at gym

A WOMAN went to the personal trainer at the gym and asked: “Can you teach me to do the splits?” The instructor replied: “How flexible are you?” So the eager learner told him: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

Cold comfort

A TAXI driver once told us of picking up an elderly lady at a Glasgow city centre pub on a freezing winter’s night. The old dear asked to be taken to the Orange Hall in Maryhill. Making conversation, the driver said: “Bitter,” to which she replied: “No' me. I’m just going to play bingo.”

The slippery slope

WE recall the game old chap of 95 who was playing on a curling rink. He didn’t have the best of eyesight, so his skip held a flashlight on his broom handle to give him the line for the shot. A chap watching from the next rink was heard to mutter: “If I was 95 and saw a bright light ahead of me, I’d turn and go the other way.”

Crafty cadger

A CHAP in an Edinburgh bar was having a pint with pals from the office. “Can I have a fag?” he asked one of his colleagues. The mate with the ciggies quite reasonably pointed out to the chap that he had in fact recently stopped smoking. “Well, I’m in the process of quitting. I’m in the middle of phase one right now.” When his confused pal asked what phase one was, he replied: “I’ve stopped buying.”

Easy rider

A FEW years back a bloke was having a pint and noticed on the pub telly that David Coulthard had won the Monaco Grand Prix. He turned to his mate and said: “Fantastic win, isn’t it?” After thinking about it for a moment, his pal replied grudgingly: “I suppose so. But Coulthard stays in Monaco. He’ll know the roads.”

Meta malaprop

WE recall with a certain degree of fondness the woman who realised that she’d mixed up her words and said: “Oh dear, is that me doing a Mrs Malathorp?”