Soldiering on

A FRIEND of reader Barrie Crawford told him that his sister received birthday greetings from chums in Germany. Her German’s a bit rusty, but she decided to text back “Alles okay,” which translates as “Everything’s okay”. After sending the message she discovered her predictive text had changed the words to: “Allies okay.”

She didn’t mean to mention the war but thinks she got away with it…

X Rated Channel

THE 80-year-old dad of Clyde DJ Cassi Gillespie believes Netflix is actually called Neck-Flicks. He’s not entirely wrong. Our contacts in the telly-watching world tell us the phrase "Netflix and Chill" is a popular euphemism for doing a little bit of what you might call "necking plus" while the TV burbles unwatched in the background.

Telling porkies

MORE misheard lyrics. Larry Cheyne likes the Dusty Springfield song You Don't Have To Say You Love Me. However, he was always confused about the line that follows the singing of the song’s title. The actual words are, “Just be close at hand.” Larry heard it as, “Just because I’m fat.”

Luckily our reader never got the opportunity to explain his version to Ms Springfield. It could have led to a Dusty dust-up.

Creative block

SOMEONE left a pile of Lego bricks on reader Sandy Tuckerman’s doorstep over the weekend. “I don’t know what to make of it,” he says.

Taking a pounding

WIITH a sigh, Terry McGeary from East Kilbride says he’s got the blues over a lack of greens. “I got a letter from the bank telling me that the miserly interest on my accounts was going down from b****r all to f*** all,” he says. “I never thought I’d see the day when I’d become nostalgic for the days of receiving b****r all interest.”

Childish comment

WOMEN who have recently given birth are sometimes in a state of exhausted confusion after their exertions. Which hopefully explains this story told to Barham Brummage by a doctor pal. A young mother wanted to feed her child for the first time, so she asked this medical chap when she could have her nipples pierced to allow the milk to flow.

It could have been worse. At least she didn’t think she had screw tops.

Posh spice

WE continue discovering words that would make excellent names for posh kids. John Sims suggests a suitable name for a daughter of middle-class hipster parents would be Paprika.

Credit worthy behaviour

IN a fraternal frame of mind, reader Ben Fitzgerald believes all the countries in the world should come together to create a universal currency based on the American model. “It’s common cents,” he adds.

Read more: Those were the days: Olivier, the great entertainer