Batty idea

HOLLYWOOD-based Scottish actress Karen Gillan is self-educating. “I just found out that people get rid of bats in the attic by playing bagpipe music really loud during the day,” she explains.

The problem is the bagpipes tend to get rid of the people, too.

Inconceivable truth

THE Diary enjoys a loopy legal tale. George F Campbell from Pollokshields recalls a court case from years ago. A jury had been selected and the judge asked the group chosen if there was a reason why any of them would be unable to serve. One man raised his hand and explained his wife was about to conceive.

The judge told him that what he meant to say was his wife was about to be confined.

Being a compassionate fellow, the judge added: "Which ever one of us is correct, it’s important that you be there, so you’re excused."

Rank’ bad yin?

CRIME scribe Ian Rankin celebrated his birthday this week by enjoying a wee swally at his favourite Edinburgh watering hole, The Oxford Bar. “Wait! Wit? How?” We hear our thirsty readers exclaim. Does this mean pubs are open? Or perhaps Ian doesn’t merely write about criminal activity, but is an eager participant in evildoing and broke into the boozer.

Alas, the solution to the mystery is rather more prosaic. Ian grabbed a can and glass from his house, drank a beer outside the pub door, then walked home.

Mind your language

ANOTHER pub tale from reader Roderick Archibald Young. His friend, Pat, was working in a Fort William bar when a German tourist strolled in and rumbled a few words that sounded like the friendly Germanic greeting: guten abend. "Good evening to you, too,” said Pat. “What can I get you?"

"Bunnahabhain!" repeated the ticked off Teutonic tourist. "Whisky!"

Floating non-fiction

“I’M reading a book about anti-gravity,” says reader Alan Buchan. “It’s impossible to put down.”

Barking mad purchase

A FORTUNE teller told reader Ray Barlow he would suffer heartbreak twelve years from now. To cheer himself up Ray bought a puppy.

Boxing his ears

THE 80-year-old mother of Gordon Fisher of Stewarton had a visit from her grandson a while back. The young chap had earplugs in and was listening to some ‘choons’ on his phone. Gran asked what he wanted for tea. Grandson merely closed his eyes, bobbed his head, and grooved to the beat.

At this point gran got grumpy. Ripping the earplugs from the youth’s lugs she said: "I’ve had enough of you and your... your... your bliddy juke box!"

Not a prayer

A THEOLOGICAL query. Russell Smith from Kilbirnie wonders if there’s such a thing as a born-again agnostic?