Force or farce?

OSCAR-nominated Scottish screenwriter Krysty Wilson-Cairns has been commissioned to develop a new Star Wars film. The Diary lost interest in this particular franchise around the time Chewbacca reached puberty and sprouted his first chest hairs, though Krysty’s involvement revives our curiosity. We now look forward to a very different kind of sci-fi movie. Hopefully Yoda will be referred to as Wee Man. And instead of using the mysterious ‘Force’, Jedi warriors will sip from a magic cordial called Bucky, making them almost invincible in combat.

Waiting for Nic

MORE good news of the Hollywood variety. Thrill-a-minute thespian Nicolas Cage is set to star in a fictionalised version of the Netflix documentary, Tiger King. Cage has strong links to Glasgow by way of Cage-A-Rama, the annual film festival held in his honour in the city. Regrettably the actor has never appeared in person at the shindig, though that hasn’t dissuaded fans from turning up. The Diary recalls visiting Cage-A-Rama and asking an attendee if she was disappointed that her idol wasn’t there. “Oh no,” she said. “I’d rather he never comes. Imagine if Godot turned up in that Beckett play. It would be rubbish, right?”

A wee problem

NOT being tech savvy, reader John Bowden’s grandad asked how to print on his computer. John explained it was ‘Control P’. Grandad sighed and said that wasn’t something he’d been able to do for quite a while.

Courtly romance

SOME valuable relationship advice from Harry Davis from Cumbernauld. “Never date a tennis player,” says Harry. “Love means nothing to them.”

Water cheek

A WHILE back a man knocked on William Arnold’s door to ask if he would like to give a small donation for the upkeep of the local swimming pool. “He wasn’t impressed when I told him I’d happily give him a glass of water,” says William.

Keen on clean

AFTER buying his elderly parents a dishwasher, reader Nigel Fowler was surprised to discover his mother scrubbing the cutlery by hand. “She told me the dishwasher was so lovely and sparkly she didn’t want to get it all grubby by filling it with dirty dishes,” explains Nigel.


WE continue to come up with distinctive names for posh kids. Colin Parker from Edinburgh says that Amnesia would be a pretty name for a girl. “Imagine she grows up to be a heartbreaker,” he adds. “Dumped boyfriends would be forever moaning: ‘No matter how hard I try, I just can’t forget Amnesia.’”

Deleted from workforce

YET again we conclude with a wee wodge of whimsy. “I was fired from the keyboard factory recently,” sighs Frank Mortimer. “I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.”