Tiger, tiger

YESTERDAY’S golfing tale reminds Rose Cameron of the time a boyfriend bought her a soft-toy elephant. Rose’s fella had painted the elephant in black stripes, which confused our reader somewhat.

The boyfriend explained that as Rose was a keen golfer and fan of Tiger Woods, he had wanted to get her something appropriate.

“But the shop was all out of stuffed, stripy jungle beasts,” explains Rose. “So he bought me the next best thing. An elephant ‘camouflaged’ in the hope I wouldn’t notice it wasn’t a tiger.”

It was meant as a joke, though Rose adds: “It ended up being the elephant in the room when it came to our relationship. I dumped him soon after.”

Ant man

LA-BASED Fife rocker KT Tunstall wants more people to eat insects because they are high in protein, plus scoffing them doesn’t do much damage to the planet. John Doyle from Paisley has decided to ignore KT’s advice. “I had a friend who eat ants for a dare when we were kids, and he died afterwards,” says John, who adds for clarification. “Actually, he died about 70 years later. But I’ve always blamed those ants.”

Croc talk

A SCIENCE tip from reader Karl Hill: “You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.”

Delayed drinking

ANOTHER story of bar-room badinage. A pub landlord once leaned over the bar and said to reader Dave Hawes: “I’m assuming you’re in the medical profession?” Dave shook his head, though was curious to know why the landlord assumed this was the case.

“Because you’ve been nursing that pint all night,” said the landlord.

Double talk

PARENTS often get worn down by questions from their offspring, though every now and then a quick-witted quip can quell those kiddy queries, as reader Winston Garner discovered. His son sidled up to him and complained that he didn’t understand cloning.

“That makes two of us,” said Winston.

Dash it

FOR those who are both athletic and linguistically minded, reader Sarah Ellroy poses the question, “What is the world’s longest punctuation mark?” The answer, of course, is the 100 metre dash.

Tough talking

MISHEARD lyrics continued. Ivor Matheson always believed that singer Billy Ocean was an incredibly rude man as he didn’t realise he was singing: “When the going gets tough.” Our reader assumed the words were: “Go and get stuffed.”

Silly noodle

MADCAP motor time. “My wife didn’t believe I could build a car out of noodles,” says reader Phil Graham, who adds: “You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.”

Read more: Those were the days