Tiger trap

A TIGER story in yesterday’s Diary reminds Pauline Davies of her young son’s pithy comment when he spotted a picture of the same species of jungle beast in a picture book. Studying the stripes across the animal’s back, he said: “That’s a wild animal that doesn’t need to be kept in a zoo. It’s already behind bars.”

Chair… beware

ONE minute Ron Bowden was relaxing in the garden with his wife. The next, he glanced over and noticed his wife, and her chair, were missing. The flimsy piece of garden furniture had collapsed under the missus. She was now flat on her back.

If this were one of those chick lit tales, Ron would have gallantly offered his wife a helping hand to rise to her feet and regain her dignity. Instead, Ron guffawed loudly and said: “It’s called a deckchair, love. Not a ‘hit the deck’ chair.”

Ron’s wife was so amused by her husband’s quip that she didn’t speak to him for a week.

Food for thought

A CULINARY conundrum from Sandra Fleming. “What’s the difference between jam and jelly?” she asks. “You can’t get stuck in a traffic jelly.”

Taste test

OUR tale about an ant-eating fellow reminds Ben Cowan of his childhood, when a friend munched on a worm for a laugh. Our reader was horrified. Though not so horrified that he forgot to ask what it tasted like.

“Well, you know chicken?” said Ben’s friend.

“Yes?” said Ben.

“It tastes nothing like that,” said his friend.

Off the record

“I hate all stereotypes,” reveals reader Tom Johnson. “That’s why I’ve never bought a record player.”

Chap chaser

MORE tales of bar-room badinage. Ken Fowler from Falkirk was running a pub a while back. One of the regulars, who had been guzzling pints all afternoon, staggered to the bar and said: “I’m aff hame in a bit. But first I’ll have a wee chaser.”

At that moment the man’s wife entered the pub. The bloke at the bar rolled his eyes and said: “Guess that’s ma wee chaser.” He was then energetically propelled out of the pub by his better half.

Out on a limb

WHEN Tony Cain bought a parrot his young grandson was delighted. “Wouldn’t it be great if you had to get your leg cut off?” trilled the little chap. “Then you’d be just like a pirate!”

Tony informs us he would do almost anything for his grandchildren. “But that’s going a little too far,” he adds.

H2 Ho-ho

WE end with our usual widget of whimsy. “Which runs faster, hot or cold water?” asks Melissa Wood. “Hot. Because you can catch cold.”

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