Aisle not Nile

THE great thing about people is they are fundamentally the same where ever you travel in the world. Though writer and broadcaster Rachel McCormack disagrees with this assessment, having discovered an exotic specious of homo sapiens.

So did she travel down the Amazon or Nile, hacking her way through lush jungle foliage to find them? No need. They were rather conveniently situated in their native habitat of Waitrose, where Rachel spied them when she popped in to buy a souffle dish. Her report of these creatures, which we look forward to seeing quoted in National Geographic, describes them thus: “The people look different in Waitrose. They are taller, and the men wear pastel coloured polo shirts and look like they’ve been polished with a chamois leather.”

Circular argument

BEING a confrontational sort of chap, reader Hank Johnson tells us he once debated with a bloke who believed the earth was flat. “He eventually marched off saying he’d walk to the world’s edge to prove me wrong,” says Hank, who adds in a conciliatory fashion: “He’ll come around eventually.”

Action man

COMIC actor and Still Game stalwart Mark Cox has bought his son a wonderfully violent toy called a punch man. The idea is that you have a man-sized fellow constructed from cloth which you fill with old clothes then proceed to batter senseless. (Freeing yourself of many frustrations as you do so.) But, dear reader, before you decide to purchase one yourself, heed this warning from Mark: “When darkness falls, it will no doubt come alive and murder everyone in the house.”

Driven to distraction

YOU’VE probably heard of road rage. Reader Paul Ballard suffers from road risk aversion. “I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps,” he says. “But I’m slowly getting over it.”

Close shave

GLANCING over at his 14-year-old son, Harvey Priestley noticed that the young fellow was looking rather fuzzy about the face. He was clearly in need of his fist shave. So our reader proceeded to teach him the basics. Soap. Water. Razor. The young man found the entire experience rather frustrating. “So do I have to do that EVERY year if I want to avoid a beard?” he said.

Harangued by history

A QUESTION for the scholars amongst our readership. “What’s the worst aspect of undertaking a course in ancient history?” asks Jeremy Campbell. “The teacher tends to Babylon,” he explains.

Wedded bliss?

FEELING philosophical about relationships, Matthew Cronin from Bathgate says: “A man doesn’t know true happiness until he’s married… and then it’s too late.”

Suspicious minds

DAFT joke time. “Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar,” says Andrew Welsh. “Don’t tell me it was a coincidence.”