Foxy lady

A LOT of major events happened around the globe this week. Though the one that caught our eye was a breathless report revealing that movie star Reese Witherspoon moisturises her face nightly.

Times must be tough. A while back she probably had a crack team of facial maintenance experts on standby to do the moisturising for her, as Formula One drivers have their pit stop mechanics.

Reese’s beauty regime might appear trivial. But the Diary believes it’s in such minor moments that great insights are revealed, as we hope to prove with these classic tales from our vaults. For instance, there was the woman who muttered darkly that a relative had “cried fox” once too often.

Mind your language

WE’VE not heard much about Brexit recently, making us nostalgic for the squabbles of old. We recall the sage who was appalled at the cost to the European Parliament of translating their deliberations into numerous different tongues. His solution? “Why don’t they all speak the same language?” he said. “You know, that Eldorado.”

Scot… or not?

WE don’t know if it’s still the case, but Scots used to be fairly put in their place in Gibraltar. The customs form to be filled in at this last redoubt of empire included the phrase: “In the place where it says nationality, do not write ‘Scotland’ or ‘Scottish’. Scotland is not a nation. Scotland is only a province of England."

Nailed it

WE recall with fondness the Glasgow office girl who informed her colleagues that she would be preparing for a social engagement by, “Having my nails manacled and my cubicles pushed back.”

Junior jousters

TWO fresh-faced five-year-olds found themselves involved in a playground fight in their first week of school. The boy on top finally tired of administering a right doing and inquired of his opponent: “Have you had enough?”

“I don’t know,” replied the other. “This is my first fight.”

Toilet humour

WE were once told this possibly apocryphal tale about the politician Sir David Steel. While at university he visited Russia and was to address his hosts on behalf of the Scottish students at a dinner on the final evening. He spoke no Russian but decided to make an effort. He scribbled down two words he had seen on lavatory doors which would enable him to begin his speech with the Russian for “Ladies and gentlemen…”

This he did and received tumultuous applause. Later that evening he learned that the English translation for his words was: “Toilets and urinals.”

Sworn in

WE do love a story about J Irvine Smith, the Sheriff of Glasgow and Greenock who dispensed both the law and quality quips. After hearing one particular case, Irvine Smith asked the accused: “Have you anything to say?”

“F*** all,” replied the accused in muffled tones.

“What did he say?” Sheriff J asked the clerk to the court.

“F*** all,” replied the clerk.

“Funny,” said the sheriff. “I’m sure I saw his lips move.”

Hard cash

A CURIOUS reader once asked: “If a brick lands on your head can you claim a lump sum?”