WE'RE watching more telly than ever, apparently. Which is hardly a bombshell revelation given that when my backside hasn't been perched on a shoogly desk chair in the spare room, it's been plonked on the living room sofa.
Never svelte-hipped or small-bottomed at the best of times, catching a glimpse of my rear in the mirror did give cause for a double-take. Jiggling past was what looked like a Kim Kardashian impersonator with a beanbag stuck down her breeks to mimic the reality star's famed posterior.
I suppose that's the perils of wearing roomy jogging bottoms with elasticated waistbands every day for eight weeks. They have clearly masked a creeping spread.
To be honest, though, it is a blatant cheek/complete misnomer to call them "jogging" bottoms given that, other than a gentle stroll to take the air around my neighbourhood or reaching for the remote control, there's not a whole lot of exercise going on.
It was an easy fix. I've hidden all the full-length mirrors. Voila. Although there was one red-faced reminder when I thought I'd accidentally sat on a cushion only to realise, well, the extra padding was all mine.
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Still, I don't imagine I'm alone in my rapidly expanding rump. Since lockdown was announced on March 23, BBC iPlayer has seen 927 million requests – 61 per cent higher than the same seven-week period last year. That's a lot of sitting around watching TV shows.
Readers of a certain vintage will remember the mantra Why Don't You Just Switch Off Your Television Set And Go Out And Do Something Less Boring Instead?
Of course, when the Why Don't You? gang first burst on to our screens in 1973 there wasn't on-demand TV and a plethora of streaming services. I bet if they had been able to rack up back-to-back episodes of Killing Eve, they'd have calmed it with the magic tricks and zany arts-and-crafts projects.
The downside of modern viewing habits, however, is that not everyone watches the same programmes at the same time. This has given rise to one of my pet peeves: The Spoiler Police.
The folk who post "NO SPOILERS!!!" in all block caps on Facebook and Twitter are the same ones who likely delight in pointing out a "ball games prohibited" sign. Or telling folk to shush in a library.
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It's common sense that if you haven't seen a TV show and desperately don't want to know how things pan out before having a chance to watch it, then stay off social media. The onus is on you to avoid spoilers – not the rest of us to button the lip.
So, if you don't want to find out how Normal People ends, look away now …
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