Plain wrong

HISTORICALLY Scotland has been a much persecuted nation, as anyone who has watched Braveheart will understand. What’s not so well known is the many ways we continue to be ill-treated. Radio presenter Steven Mill, for instance, discovered to his chagrin that there is a bias against our bread. His toaster refuses to accept an entire slice of Scottish Plain, leaving a bit sticking out when he slides it in the machine.

Is this a nefarious English scheme to bring proud Caledonia to her knees? We suspect so. By the way, anyone who suggests Steven should slide his bread into the toaster sideways should be ashamed of themselves. We’ll have no defeatist talk here.

Doesn’t add up

STUDYING mathematics at university some years ago, Paul Hudson from Dundee recalls one particularly eccentric lecturer introducing himself thus: “Half of what I tell you will be the musings of a genius. Half will be gibberish. The final half will be mathematically incorrect.”

“I’m almost 110 percent certain he was joking,” says our reader.

Sci Fry

EDINBURGH-BORN photographer Alan McCredie has been mulling over his favourite fish and chip shops, and there’s one he’s particularly fond of. Not because of the delish fish on offer. Or even the chompable chips. It’s the deep-fat fryer he adores. Like a modern-day Romeo picturing his Juliet, Alan almost swoons when describing this curvaceous cutie of a cooking implement. “That fryer looks like it was designed by the same people who designed the spaceships in the very old Flash Gordon TV series,” he sighs.

High dudgeon

AN unlikely tale. “I quit my job at the helium factory,” says Lisa Niven. “I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice.”

High drama

THIS week’s River City episode was the last filmed before lockdown. It will be a while before the cast return. We want to make good use of the gap by suggesting plot lines to ensure the show resumes with a bang. Maybe a spaceship could land in Shieldinch? Though wasn’t that used in a previous soap? Take the High Road, perhaps?

Which would certainly explain what the "high" road everyone was taking actually was…

Going up

“MY first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience,” recalls reader Jenny Thomson. “The second let me down.”

Prostrate professional

CURRENTLY working from home, reader Stephen Miller tends to lounge in bed with his laptop propped on a pillow in front of him. His wife isn’t impressed by hubby’s dynamism.

“You’re meant to be hard at work,” she sneered. “Looks more like you’re hard at shirk.”

Colourful comment

GOOFY gag time. “Where do bad rainbows go?” asks reader Kevin Barr. “Prism.”

Read more: Twisting the night away