Looney behaviour

WITH time on his hands, reader Martin Kennedy has decided to solve the world’s great mysteries. He eventually hopes to determine whether Shakespeare wrote all those plays, or if it was some other genius, as is often claimed, such as Sir Walter Raleigh. He also wants to find a unified theory of physics, eradicating discrepancies between Einstein’s discoveries and quantum mechanics. But before doing any of this, there’s a more pressing puzzle to solve. Why did the coyote in the Looney Tunes cartoons waste time ordering all those gizmos to kill Roadrunner?

“If he had that much dosh he could have phoned for a carryout,” our reader says. “I’m sure the Acme Corporation would have delivered a roadrunner and pineapple pizza if he’d asked them to.”

Fractionally best

SOCCER FM podcaster Ray Bradshaw isn’t impressed with the truncated conclusion of the Scottish football season. “Congratulations to Celtic for securing 8.79 in a row,” he says.

Egg-stremely confusing

THE nine-year-old daughter of reader Jack Benson was watching the Eggheads TV quiz. It left her rather confused.

“I don’t know why it’s called Eggheads,” she said. “None of the contestants are bald.”

Sound investment

ON the hunt for a bargain, reader Sandy Tuckerman spotted an ad in the classifieds that said: “Radio for sale, £2. Stuck on full volume.”

“I couldn’t turn it down,” says Sandy.

Sluggish soap

WE asked for new plot developments for the resumption of River City, which is on hiatus after this week. James Davies from Falkirk suggests that instead of the fights and affairs that make up each show, the cast could spend an episode at home watching soap operas on telly.

“It wouldn’t be very thrilling, but at least it would be realistic,” says James.

Shipping news

FOLLOWING up on an earlier description of his life as a sailor, reader Malcolm Boyd tells us the two main areas of a merchant ship are known as Disneyland and Wonderland. The reason being that engineer officers walk about the engine room grumbling: “That disnae work, and this disnae work.” Meanwhile the deck officers stroll on the bridge muttering, “I wonder where we are?”

Future imperfect

THE friend of a Milngavie reader is struck by how life has changed since his 1960s youth. Back then it was sex, drugs and rock n roll. Now it’s specs, drugs and sausage rolls. By which he means trips to Specsavers, Boots and Greggs. The wild and uproarious adventure of life continues…

Line of inquiry

PHILOSOPHICAL thought for the day. “If a bird lands on your washing line and starts singing, would it be considered an online chat?” asks Daniel McColgan from Bishopbriggs.

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