Doors of perception

SIGNS are useful. They instruct us how to behave and prevent us becoming unnecessarily reckless by improvising our lives as we go along. Case in point. Reader Beryl Parker came across a sign on a door that read: “Please open door before entering.”

Beryl was grateful for the advice. “I was seconds away from attempting to charge through the door while it was closed,” she says.

Hoover groover

LIFE’S thrilling when you’re a best-selling novelist such as Denise Mina. “Bought a new Henry hoover today and don’t know when I last felt so alive,” she trills.

High society

IN a Glasgow nightclub a while back, Darren Thompson overheard the following conversation.

Girl One: Wit d’ye hink o’ ma new shoes?

Girl Two: (giving shoes an intense and critical perusal) If them heels were oany higher, the drug squad wid be efter you.

Rocky future

ROCK band Del Amitri have revealed the title of their next album, to be released in January 2021. It’s called Fatal Mistakes, which does seem to be tempting fate somewhat. Perhaps it would have been cannier to go with the more optimistic and perky Incredibly Wise Decisions That Paid Off Handsomely.

Mobile marvel

THE world can be a precarious place, as Michael Johnson from Edinburgh knows only too well. His father fought in the Second World War and his grandfather was a veteran of the Great War. There has been a de-escalation in drama since those days, though Michael believes there are still dangers to dodge. “I went for a walk and my mobile was only ten per cent charged,” he explains. “It was touch and go whether I’d make it home before it ran down. Thankfully I did, though for some strange reason nobody’s offered to pin a medal on my chest for gallantly succeeding in my mission.”

Future imperfect?

WE continue devising colourful concepts for the resumption of Glasgow-based soap opera River City. Julie Butler suggests the storyline should jump 100 years into the future, thus becoming a slick sci-fi drama. “Clothes would be all silvery and cars would hover above the roads,” explains Julie.

Though there would be continuity of a sort. “Celtic or Rangers would still be winning the league,” our reader admits. “Some things, however boring, never change.”

Chippy comment

A CULINARY query from reader Ed Bilton, who wants to know why the American word for chips is French Fries. “It’s obvious that they’re not cooked in France,” says Ed. “They’re cooked in grease.”

Rock on

DAFFY detective joke from reader Ken Campbell, who asks: “What is Sherlock Holmes’s favourite type of rock?” The answer, is of course… “It’s sedimentary, my dear Watson.”

Read more: Those were the days