Cream of comments

AT 53 years of age, Mike Tyson is threatening to return to boxing. Foolish fellow. Middle aged maulers tend to get mashed by younger adversaries. Fighters such as Muhammad Ali and Sugar Ray Leonard leapt back into the ring past their prime only to hobble out a few punishing rounds later.

Some things do improve with age. Fine wine and the Diary, for instance. Unfortunately we don’t have any bottles of Gallic glug-glug to give away. Though we are in possession of some classic tales, gags and quirky comments to regale you with. For instance, a reader once asked why does sour cream have a sell-by date?

Kubrick goes Celt

WE recall when an increasing number of Gaelic programmes started appearing on Scottish telly and the Diary suggested some of the TV budget could be spent on movies which would entertain this viewership. Suggestions included Full Tweed Jacket, An American in Harris and Apokeachips Now.

Fun for Fido

THE Pets Pleasure mail-order catalogue once came into our possession. It offered for sale the ‘new-style waxed jacket with turn-back corduroy collar, suitable for either country or smart town wear’. Unfortunately it didn’t say if the doggie’s waxed jaiket included a poacher’s poacket. Also intriguing was the selection of kebab-shaped munchy treats on a biscuit skewer. Suitable, we presumed, for smartly dressed dogs seeking a take-away after a night on the town.

(N)ice name

WE are fond of a person who has a name that snuggly fits with the job they are doing. For instance, the manager of the British bobsleigh team for the 1992 Winter Olympic Games was one Colin Snowball.

Lost in translation

OVERHEARD in the newsagents at Glasgow Airport. An American lady is holding aloft a tartan-bedecked tin labelled Nippy Sweeties. She says to the shop assistant: “Hi! Can you tell me what these taste like?” To which the shop assistant helpfully replies: “Ah’m no awfy sure, but ah think they taste something like soor plooms.”

Beer babble

WE love a bit of tangled talk. We recall the Wishaw lady who was discussing the merits of the various brands of lager and asked her daughter if she had ever tasted “that Castlemilk four X”.

Worth a shot

A LEGAL eaglet exhibited a lack of knowledge of the ways of the lower orders when he was defending a citizen charged with recklessly discharging an air pistol. He decided that the only fruitful route for an acquittal was to claim that the air pistol was not a vandal’s plaything but was used for hunting. “What does the accused hunt with the gun?” was the not unreasonable question from the man on the bench. The lawyer consulted his client who could only say that it was a slug gun.

“My client uses the gun to hunt slugs, your honour…” he told an astonished court.

Shape shifting

ST Mirren supporters have always had a way with words. We recall one faithful fan, concerned that his team were not taking the direct route to goal, was heard to observe: “They’re jist goin’ roon’ an’ roon’ in squares.”