Rhyme time

IN the 1970s the Diary ran a competition to discover Scotland’s worst poet. It was won by dire ditty deviser Walter McCorrisken, a Renfrew bard who should have been barred. Walter’s Diary coverage made him famous. The comical chap appeared on the Parkinson show twice and an anthology of his poetry topped the Scottish Best Sellers list in 1994. He passed away in 2004. However, The Renfrew Rhymer, a documentary about him by filmmaker Paul Russell, is released as part of a virtual Renfrew on Film event on June 7.

The documentary is recommended, though it should come with a health warning: Some of Walter’s poems are included…

Mind the hair

PSYCHOLOGICAL silliness from reader Martin Franzen. “Why was Ivan Pavlov’s hair so soft?” he asks. “Because he conditioned it.”

Losing your rag

TEXTING people has a downside, as reader Brian Chrystal discovered. Attempting to text his daughter, his phone’s autocorrect decided it had a better idea what Brian wanted to say than he did himself. It kept changing toerags to storage.

“Not quite the same nuance in Glasgow,” say our reader. “See youse, ya wee storage lockers…”

Time zooms by

OUR run of stories about people who take part in virtual conference calls using Zoom technology reminds Stewart Daniels from Fife of a more innocent era. “Older readers will remember when Zoom was an ice lolly you bought for 6d,” he says.

Outed for outing

OUR recent tale about Dominic Cummings inspires reader Jim Morrison to get in touch to explain why people are angry with Boris Johnson’s advisor. “It wasn’t the Cummings that got him in trouble. It was the goings.”

Colourful comment

A Sherlock Holmes joke in the Diary rouses David Donaldson to puff on his meerschaum pipe, put on his deerstalker cap and head into the smog smothered streets, investigating the possibilities of discovering an equally funny gag. And, by Jove, he’s found one.

Dr Watson is horrified to discover Holmes has changed the colour of his front door.

“Holmes! Why did you paint your door that hideous shade of yellow?” says the great detective’s friend.

Holmes responds: “Lemon entry, my dear Watson.”

Charles’ Number’s up

We continue devising alternative bingo call-out rhymes for Prince William or Kate to try. John Bruce from Paisley suggests that when calling the number 59, William should shout: “59 – if only it was me, not papa, who was First in Line.”

Frog march

A JOKE that has a puppet and a punchline. What more could you possibly want? Roderick Archibald Young asks: “What did Kermit the frog say when he got to the top of the hill?” The answer is: “A muppet.”

Read more: Those were the days