Park and write

WRITING a novel is the easiest thing in the world, as anyone who hasn’t written a novel will tell you. Novelists themselves don’t have an opinion on the matter. They’re too busy struggling to write novels. Case in point: award-winning crime scribe Graeme Macrae Burnet is stressing over the beginning of his latest book. “On day one of a new novel I feel like I’ve forgotten how to write,” he explains. “By day three I feel like I never knew.”

His difficulties might originate in the office he’s chosen to work in. An office with too many delightful distractions, including grass, trees and twittering birds.

That’s right. Graeme grabbed a notepad and pencil and is currently scribbling in the park.

Well worn

IT was Clint Eastwood’s 90th birthday recently. When Mary Lowe from Cathcart saw photos of the craggy cowpoke blowing out the candles on his cake, she said to her husband, “He looks great for his age. Must have good genes.”

Hubby, not concentrating on the conversation, replied: “Levi’s, aren’t they?”

Slick message

OUR latest mission is to devise bold new advertising slogans for Scotland’s towns and cities. Reader Ralph Cronin believes a certain northern metropolis should promote its offshore industry and many fine watering holes. He suggests: “Aberdeen. Well Oiled Since The 70s.”

Summing up

THE weather being pleasant, Gillian King from Bearsden suggested to her teenage son that he might like to take a walk to a nearby ice-cream shop. The young lad conceded that he had a hankering for a cone, though he also admitted he couldn’t endure a 10-minute stroll to obtain one.

“If my son were a mathematical equation,” says Gillian, he would be: “Laziness > Greed = Teenage Boy.”

Criminally funny

GUFFAWTASTIC graffiti continued. Reader James McGovern used to regularly drive from Dundee to Edinburgh. On the M90 going through Fife there was a sign indicating when to leave the motorway for Crook of Devon. Underneath this information someone had gone to considerable trouble to spray-paint: “Twinned with the Thief of Baghdad.”

Telephone inquiries

TELLING her granddaughter about ye olde days, Lisa Ballard from Falkirk mentioned that she grew up without the use of a mobile phone, just a communal landline in the hall.

“So could you take selfies and get Instagram on the landline?” inquired the young innocent.

Canine wisdom

ADVICE for pet owners from James Barker. “If you can’t find your dog, open the fridge,” our reader suggests. “Now he’s standing right behind you.”

Portly paladin

PROVIDING us with some dubious historical information, Tony Cox says. “The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He ate too much pi.”

Read more: Those were the days