Petrol rations

WITH life still being lived at a loafing and leisurely pace from home, Johnny Mac appears to be relishing the savings he can accrue. The comic performer says: “Just put £5 of petrol in my car, which by my calculations should do me until the next Olympics.”

Tasty trick

WE recently solved the problem of how to find a lost dog. You open the fridge and – voila! – the fuzzy fella’s standing behind you. George Dale from Beith informs us that a similar trick can be enacted using a cat. He says that by the simple action of opening a can, a pet feline will mysterious appear by your side.

For clarification, we should add that the trick doesn’t work with any old can. For some unfathomable reason it has to contain tuna to ensure the magical moggie materialises on cue.

What the Dickens?

THE Diary has a passion for books, and we are always grateful when readers enlighten us by reporting previously unknown facts about the great literary figures. Dominic Miller reveals that after much investigation he has discovered what Charles Dickens kept in his spice rack. “It was the best of thymes, it was the worst of thymes…”

Sticky problem

SHETLAND comedian and storyteller Marjolein Robertson will soon be able to add to the list of accomplishments on her impressive CV: cordon bleu chef. She certainly employs a sophisticated method of cooking spaghetti, involving chucking a strand at the wall. If it sticks, then it’s boiled to perfection, apparently.

Unfortunately the technique still requires nuancing.

“It’s never ready,” reveals Marjolein, with a sigh: “But what I have learned is I have very sticky walls.”

Solved at last

ONCE more the Diary dares to tackle the Big Questions avoided by more timorous journalists. “I’ve ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon,” reveals reader Dorothy McCourt, who adds: “Don’t worry. I’ll let you know.”

Casanova Casa-no-way

THE dating game can be nerve-wracking for a young fellow with little experience. When reader Sheila Murphy’s teenage son told her he was trepidatious about asking out a girl she advised him: “Just be yourself. And be confident.”

The frustrated chap responded: “Make up your mind, mum. Which one is it?”

Wonderfully wet

OUR mission to devise advertising slogans for Scotland’s towns and cities continues. Glaswegian Ben Fleming has the perfect blurb to promote his home town. He suggests: “Don’t worry about the rain. We have plenty of umbrella shops.”

Mr and Miss out

GLOOMY gag time. “Why don’t couples go to the gym more often?” asks reader William Strachan. He then explains (perhaps a tad cynically) that it’s because relationships seldom work out.

Read more: Those were the days