Et tu, coconut?

WE all do foolish things we later regret. Julius Caesar let himself become far too fond of that friendly fellow Marcus Brutus.

Ernst Stavro Blofeld allowed a real estate agent to coax him into purchasing an extinct volcano, falling for a slick sales pitch about panoramic views, low council tax and a hi-tech home-security system, ideal for protection against pesky secret agents.

Fraser Williams bought a coconut.

Our reader realised his mistake on returning home, when he couldn’t break it open. He asked his teenage son for help. They tried a kitchen knife. They tried a bigger kitchen knife. They whacked the fuzzy thing with a hammer.

No joy.

Fraser’s son, exasperated, turned to dad and said: “See? This is why I never took woodwork in school.”

Desperate measures

PURE radio presenter Amber Zoe Livingstone has been dodging her daily stroll for three weeks, though she claims to have a good reason for her lack of dynamism. Broken leg? Nope. Dog ate her tracksuit and trainers? Nope.

“It’s because all seasons of Desperate Housewives are on Prime Video,” she explains. “And I really don’t wanna leave that…”

Posh and pokey

“YOU can tell Monopoly’s an outdated boardgame,” says reader Martin Hammond. “There’s free parking and rich people can actually go to jail.”

Pricey prezzie

TO celebrate her husband’s birthday, Marni Lloyd bought him a mug emblazoned with an image of his favourite rock band. Our reader’s hubby was curious to know how much the item cost. Imprudently, Marni told him. (It was £40.)

Hubby, rather ungratefully, muttered: “I don’t know what’s the bigger mug. This thing I’m drinking tea out of. Or the person who bought it for me.”

Heading for disaster

WE continue to recall classic lines of graffiti. Bill Rutherford from Galashiels once spotted a poster on the London Underground with Henry VIII standing at the ticket kiosk saying to the clerk: “Return ticket to the Tower of London, please.”

Underneath someone had written: “And a single for the wife.”

Fayre comment

FORMER teacher Alan Potter's daughter sought his advice on an educational matter. "When," she asked, "would be the right time to send a letter to teachers, asking for donations of raffle prizes and home-baking for the Home-Schooling Summer Fundraising Fayre?"

Cold comfort

ANOTHER advertising slogan to promote proud Caledonia. Russell Smith recalls the evocative welcome sign greeting arrivals at Glasgow Airport: “Immerse yourself in Loch Lomond.” He believes a second sentence should be added: “Have you got what the brass monkey lost?”

Super being supercilious

THE friends of reader James Gallagher think he’s condescending. “That means I talk down to people,” James helpfully adds.

Read more: Those were the days