Life lesson

A DIARY story about a teenager’s distaste for woodwork class reminds Dominic Miller of his own experiences with the subject when he was a boy. Our reader, who admits to being a scamp of a youth, was messing around with a similarly-minded pal. Both lads were flicking lumpy glue at each other.

“Grow up!” growled the teacher.

Dominic’s pal replied: “Why?”

The teacher glared at the insolent whippersnapper, desperately trying to think of a reason why growing up was a worthwhile pursuit.

After a minute he gave up and stomped off.

“That was the greatest lesson I learned at school,” says Dominic. “Growing up is like a lump of flicked glue. Dodge it if you can.”

Cop that

KINDLY reader Scott Bryson bought his son a rabbit for his birthday. Scott suggested it should be named Starsky. His son asked why.

“Because he comes with a hutch,” said dad.

Son looked at dad blankly, then chose to call the rabbit Fluffy.

“I still think my idea was better,” says Scott. “Maybe that’s because I keep forgetting it’s not 1975, and my favourite cop show isn’t on the telly any more.”

Dairy disaster

“I WAS dumped by a girl who was lactose intolerant,” explains reader Ian Wheen. “She couldn’t stand my cheesy jokes.”

The incredible journey

A VISIT to a psychic years ago proved a fruitful experience for Mary Foster from Glasgow’s South Side. The psychic told Mary she would get a job within 12 months that would necessitate leaving home and going on a long voyage across water. Low and behold, one year later Mary was working in… Glasgow city centre.

“The psychic was spot on,” says our reader. “I crossed the Clyde on the train every day. Though I’m not sure the word I’d use for my 15-minute trip would be ‘voyage’.”

Swanky sweeties

IN most supermarkets you’ll spot children racing up and down the aisles hunting crisps and chocolate. Though not in the Waitrose branch of leafy Milngavie, where a friend of Robin Gilmour heard a six-year-old boy grumble dejectedly: “Mummy, the lady says they're completely out of couscous."

Iceberg info

A TALE of historical significance. “My grandfather warned people the Titanic would sink, but no one listened,” says reader Dan Perry: “I guess that’s not what people wanted to hear in a movie theatre.”

Ayrshire’s ace

WE continue devising advertising slogans for Scottish towns and cities. George Dale dispenses with objectivity and celebrates his own neck of the woods. He suggests: “The sunshine's in Beith, so forget about Leith.”

Pancake panic

GHOULISH Gallic gag time. “I once ate in a haunted French restaurant,” says Josh Hill. “The place gave me the crepes.”

Read more: Why a shopper was coconut shy