Grapes of wrath

STAGGERING out of a supermarket while hefting heavy bags, Paul Cook was waylaid by a tramp requesting a hand-out. Our reader offered him a bunch of grapes from a bag.

It would not be an exaggeration to say the tramp was a tad disappointed.

“Wit am I meant tae dae wi’ them?” he harrumphed, glaring scornfully at the grapes. “Bung ’em in a bucket and bounce on their heids ‘til they turn intae Buckfast?”


SPELLING standards at the BBC are falling, reader John Mulholland informs us. During a news item about the re-opening of non-essential shops in England, he swears he heard a reporter say: “There’s a ‘Q’ in Primark.”

Sunny side up

WE’VE been devising slogans for Scottish towns and cities. Alas, the exercise seems to have degenerated into a savage squabble between the residents of different postcodes. One reader promoted Beith at the expense of Leith. Now Russell Smith from Kilbirnie enters the fray with the following blurb celebrating his hometown:

“Beith is sunny,

But sometimes it urny.

Better by far

To bide in Kilburnie.”

Computer hacker

“A SPIDER crawled onto my computer,” reveals reader Marc Henry, who adds: “Don’t worry. It’s under cntrl.”

Silly cookie

A RECENT Diary story reminds Mary Duncan of the time she was out with her sister, Isabel. Entering a coffee shop, Isabel sat at a table while Mary went to the counter and called over to sis, asking what she wanted to eat.

Isabel replied: "Is that a cream cookie or a meringue?"

Chances such as this arrive only rarely in a lifetime. Mary made sure not to squander her moment in the sun. She replied exultantly: "No, you're quite right, Isabel. It's a cream cookie."

Cowboy salesmen

A LITERARY tale. “I was in a store where there was a third off all DVDs,” explains reader Dorothy Fowler. “So I bought The Good, The Bad…”

Clouding judgment

WHILE sitting in a classroom as a schoolboy, Jimmy Simpson had a habit of gazing dreamily out the window. On one occasion he was meant to be completing an English test, though his eyes were fixed, as usual, on the drifting clouds in the sky.

His teacher woke him from his reverie by snarling: “You won’t find the answer out that window, sonny.”

Jimmy glanced at his textbook and realised, with a snigger, that his teacher was wrong.

The question Jimmy was meant to be answering was: "Fill in the blank. 'I wandered lonely as a…'”

Fido-ishly funny

A DAFFY doggy joke. “What do you call a dog than can do magic?” asks reader Beth Wright. “A labracadabrador.”

Read more: Those were the days