Sugar-coating it

JOE Hullait, the creator and narrator of TV comedy Scot Squad, is a vegetarian. He now wants to take the next step and become a vegan. Which would, of course, mean avoiding all dairy products. Unfortunately Joe is in a quandary, as he rather enjoys sugary cereal with a splash of milk. So how to square his principles, which involve not exploiting animals, with a fondness for a certain type of liquid-based breakfast snack?

Joe has a cunning plan: “If anyone knows of a farm where a cow has personally confirmed on camera that they enjoy being milked, please tell me,” he says.

Grammar drama

A TALE of romance gone awry. Reader Chris Smith reveals he fell in love with a woman who only knew four vowels. “She didn’t know I existed,” he explains.

Cuppa to chaos

LOCKDOWN continues to be eased in England, with Scotland to possibly follow. This is good news for actress Suzanne Magowan, who has big plans for such a future. “Honestly cannae wait for one of those nights where you go out for a cuppa with a mate,” she says. “End up two bottles of wine later in a karaoke bar singing Tina Turner, wearing trainers with unwashed hair.”

Shiftless worker

INCOMPETENCE in the workplace is nothing to be proud of, though reader Jeffrey Dale, has no qualms boasting about his inept labours in a keyboard factory. “At first I wasn’t putting in enough shifts,” he says. “Then I couldn’t keep the space clean. Eventually I lost control.”

Train of thought

WE’VE been devising slogans for Scottish towns and cities, though the exercise has turned into a fractious free-for-all, with readers celebrating their native soil while slamming neighbouring areas.

Now George Dale offers up:

“Beith and Kilbirnie may be the toast of the nation,

However, in Dalry we host a railway station.”

Salad days

FOR the last few years reader Oliver McGahan has been trying to diet… and failing abysmally, though he’s now stumbled across the perfect way to lose weight. His14-year-old son has been practising his cooking skills by making dinner for the family every evening. “At the moment he has more enthusiasm than skill,” says Oliver. “To put it another way, he could probably burn a salad. Unsurprisingly a large part of his culinary tinkering is ending up in the dog.”

Dig it

FORGET the revolutionary discoveries made by Newton, Darwin and Einstein. Reader Marvin Grant wants to celebrate the inventor of the spade. “It really was a ground-breaking idea,” he says.