Taking the biscuit

HAVING ordered a Chinese takeaway, Katherine McPhee was pleasantly surprised to discover a fortune cookie included with her meal. She was even more delighted with the message inside the biscuit, which read: "You will soon achieve perfection."

After a moment's contemplation she decided she wasn’t so delighted, after all.

“I realised the impertinent cookie was implying that I wasn’t already perfect,” says our humble reader. “That’s the last time I accept a compliment from an edible treat.”

Pun and games

PUN-loving Fife comedian Richard Pulsford has been quenching his thirst at a local coffee shop. “The barista asked if he should put powder on my cappuccino,” reveals Richard. “And I said: ‘I should cocoa’.”

Et tu, Burt

WITH time on his hands, Sam Corbett from Coatbridge has been perusing the published diaries of bombastic Welsh thespian Richard Burton. He recently came across this line: ‘June 1970. This year drags on and on.’

To which Sam responds: “If Burton thought June 1970 was tedious, imagine how he’d have coped with June 2020.”

Our reader adds: “The only thing I’ve done this month is sit home reading an actor’s old diary. My life’s gone for a Burton.”

Soft rock

KT TUNSTALL is celebrated as a gritty rocker. Though the Fife-raised singer’s roughhouse reputation may be tarnished going forward, as she’s recorded a version of Teddy Bears’ Picnic.

Her cutesy crooning is for a good cause, however. She’s promoting the Simpsons Special Care Babies charity, which supports the neonatal unit at Edinburgh Royal Infirmary.

Still, it leaves the Diary pondering what other children’s ditties could be sung by hardcore rockers.

We’d certainly like to hear the Rod Stewart rendition of Ally Bally Bee. (Which would probably be re-titled Ally Bally BayBee Jane.)

Earthy remark

A PHILOSOPHICAL question from reader Gordon Casely. “Does the Flat Earth Society have members around the globe?” he enquires.

Just the ticket

WE recently reported a jaunt round Edinburgh taken by crime scribe Ian Rankin. He’s pulled on his walking boots again, and is now investigating the city’s gradual awakening, as lockdown rules are eased. “Parking tickets are returning to Edinburgh,” he notes, adding with approval: “Nature is healing.”

Crafty kipper

THE laidback teenage grandson of reader Ralph Clancy has been rising from bed mid-afternoon. Though he promised grandad he would start getting up earlier. “I opened my eyes at 8am,” he proudly revealed this week. Though the impact of his words were undermined by his next sentence: “Then I closed them again, and kipped ‘til 1pm.”

Tall tale

GOOFY gag time. “What do you call the collision between two giraffes?” asks Laura Unwin. “A giraffic jam.”