Taking the biscuit
HAVING ordered a Chinese takeaway, Katherine McPhee was pleasantly surprised to discover a fortune cookie included with her meal. She was even more delighted with the message inside the biscuit, which read: "You will soon achieve perfection."
After a moment's contemplation she decided she wasn’t so delighted, after all.
“I realised the impertinent cookie was implying that I wasn’t already perfect,” says our humble reader. “That’s the last time I accept a compliment from an edible treat.”
Pun and games
PUN-loving Fife comedian Richard Pulsford has been quenching his thirst at a local coffee shop. “The barista asked if he should put powder on my cappuccino,” reveals Richard. “And I said: ‘I should cocoa’.”
Et tu, Burt
WITH time on his hands, Sam Corbett from Coatbridge has been perusing the published diaries of bombastic Welsh thespian Richard Burton. He recently came across this line: ‘June 1970. This year drags on and on.’
To which Sam responds: “If Burton thought June 1970 was tedious, imagine how he’d have coped with June 2020.”
Our reader adds: “The only thing I’ve done this month is sit home reading an actor’s old diary. My life’s gone for a Burton.”
Soft rock
KT TUNSTALL is celebrated as a gritty rocker. Though the Fife-raised singer’s roughhouse reputation may be tarnished going forward, as she’s recorded a version of Teddy Bears’ Picnic.
Her cutesy crooning is for a good cause, however. She’s promoting the Simpsons Special Care Babies charity, which supports the neonatal unit at Edinburgh Royal Infirmary.
Still, it leaves the Diary pondering what other children’s ditties could be sung by hardcore rockers.
We’d certainly like to hear the Rod Stewart rendition of Ally Bally Bee. (Which would probably be re-titled Ally Bally BayBee Jane.)
Earthy remark
A PHILOSOPHICAL question from reader Gordon Casely. “Does the Flat Earth Society have members around the globe?” he enquires.
Just the ticket
WE recently reported a jaunt round Edinburgh taken by crime scribe Ian Rankin. He’s pulled on his walking boots again, and is now investigating the city’s gradual awakening, as lockdown rules are eased. “Parking tickets are returning to Edinburgh,” he notes, adding with approval: “Nature is healing.”
Crafty kipper
THE laidback teenage grandson of reader Ralph Clancy has been rising from bed mid-afternoon. Though he promised grandad he would start getting up earlier. “I opened my eyes at 8am,” he proudly revealed this week. Though the impact of his words were undermined by his next sentence: “Then I closed them again, and kipped ‘til 1pm.”
Tall tale
GOOFY gag time. “What do you call the collision between two giraffes?” asks Laura Unwin. “A giraffic jam.”
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules hereLast Updated:
Report this comment Cancel