Tour too far

STAND-UP comic Ray Bradshaw reveals that an odd aspect of lockdown has been his phone calendar notifying him each day where he should have been gigging.

“I've felt sad to miss out on trips to New Zealand, Kilkenny and many other places,” he says. “Today it's reminded me I should be going to Fife, so it's not all bad.”

Hot bother

A SEAFARING friend of Hugh Scott Smith from Duddingston used to regularly bring home to Glasgow frozen curries from a restaurant in downtown Abu Dhabi. The spicy feasts were enjoyed by family and friends. On one occasion the bag containing the contraband curry went missing at Heathrow. It took many frantic phone calls before it was located and redirected to Glasgow, much to the relief of the curry connoisseurs waiting its arrival.

“It was never clear if the panic was due to the curry being undeclared,” says Hugh. “Or in anticipation of how bad the bag would smell had the delay in delivery been long enough for the contents to have thawed and decayed.”

Boyfriend’s buzzing

READER Grant Jones has started dating a woman who likes bees. “I think she’s a keeper,” says Grant.

Book nook

WE’RE devising Scottish alternatives for the word bookworm. Eric Arbuckle from Largs suggests Page Turner, though we’re not sure that’s Celtic enough. Perhaps MacPage Turner would do the trick…

Food for thought

IN the days when Amy Kinnaird from Ochiltree taught infants, a girl called Henrietta once raced into class after break. The little lass was eager to clipe on an unfortunate fellow pupil.

“John picked up a sweetie in the playground and ate it,” announced the eager informant. “I told him not to do that. Maybe a dug's peed on it.”

Henrietta was clearly unaware this only adds to the flavour, as any playground gourmet would have told her.

Salad days

“MY wife has changed a lot since becoming a vegetarian,” says Alasdair Brook. “It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore…”

Web of deceit

AUTHOR Deedee Cuddihy received a spam email from a concerned individual called Kerri who had been checking out Deedee’s Funny Scottish Books website.

"You've misspelled the word 'Soor’ on your website,” explained kind and considerate Kerri. “I thought you would like to know. Silly mistakes can ruin your site's credibility. Contact me for info about a spelling tool that I use."

It seems Kerri was unaware of soor plooms, which feature on the website in Deedee's book Scottish Sweetie Addicts and Chocoholics.

Independent thinking

A PHILOSOPHICAL thought from reader Mitch Greeves. “We have to believe in free will,” says Mitch. “We really don’t have a choice.”

Read more: Those were the days