Life’s a beach

ON social media the publishing company Little, Brown asks: “What do YOU think makes a book a ‘beach read’?”

A little-known children’s fantasy author named JK Rowling gives this pithy response: “A beach.”

Funny lady, that J.K. person.

If the kid’s fantasy thing doesn’t work out, she can always forge a career in comedy.

Bookish bugs

AND talking of literature… Our readers have been devising alternatives for the word bookworm. Thelma Edwards from Kelso goes one better. She’s come up with monikers for people who peruse specific types of reading material, such as an "album aphid", a "comic caterpillar" and a "ledger larva".

Face facts

WITH face masks compulsory on trains and in stations, Douglas Walker has come up with an idea to normalise the situation.

“People should take photographs of their mouths and stick them on masks,” our reader explains. He also thinks people should carry a range of mouth photos in their pockets, to use when the occasion demands. You would need a gum-chewing mouth, a happy mouth and a mouth hanging open in boredom and frustration. “That last one would get the most use,” says Douglas. “Perfect for people waiting ages, then discovering their train’s been cancelled.”

Face the music

PAUL Coia says the worst gig he attended was David Bowie at Glastonbury. To which we respond: “Wait! Whit! What?!”

The radio and TV presenter quickly clarifies his controversial assertion. It turns out that it was a cracking concert, though Paul spent much of the show feeling sorry for the front-of-stage security, who kept their backs to Bowie as they had to monitor the crowd.

“One of the best outdoor gigs ever, and they missed seeing it,” sighs Paul. “So close and yet…”

Wax lyrical

USING that new-fangled Zoom communication gizmo, Bob Unwin from Shawlands contacted old friends now living abroad. It was a while since they had been in touch, and he hoped the conversation would be like chats of old, with breezy badinage about love and rock music.

Alas, this was not the case for the middle-aged gang.

“We spent the entire time discussing methods for extracting ear wax,” sighs our reader.

Tech talk

SCIENCE and technology is opaque to most. Luckily reader Dan Mitchell, an engineer, can explain the more esoteric terminology of his trade. "Percussive Maintenance" means "I hit it and it started working".

Also "kinetic disassembly" means "it blew up".

Numbers racket

MORE science from reader Scott Gray, who explains: “One hundred and ten per cent of statistics are fake.”

Read more: Those were the days