Flowery language

FIERCE political interrogator Andrew Neil has revealed he’s unsure of his broadcasting future. Waiting for the BBC to make up its mind about his role, he admits he might be “surplus to requirements”.

Let’s hope not, though if the Beeb’s news department have no more use for Andrew, he can always forge a new career by moving to the Corporation’s CBeebies channel for younger viewers.

We look forward to his first interview…

Andrew Neil (glaring at Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men): I’m afraid I’m going to have to press you on this, gentlemen. What exactly do you mean by "Flobalobadobadob?"

Cruellest cut

THE LONG wait for a hairdresser’s appointment continues for many. Reader Jilly Gallagher couldn’t stand the suspense and had a go at the old snippety-snip malarkey herself. “Giving yourself a wee tidy is like opening a box of chocolates and saying ‘I’ll just have the one’,” says Jilly. “Though unlike a box of chocolates, there’s no second layer back-up when your wee tidy somehow turns into a borstal boy’s buzz cut.”

Full-throttle Aristotle

THE Royal Conservatoire of Scotland is a place of unbridled exuberance, as you would expect from an institute specialising in the performing arts. Even its method of notifying students it has graduated is delightfully outré, darling.

This year it tweeted a meme of a screeching Oprah Winfrey, along with the message: “You did it!!!!”

The Diary is now curious to know what tweet Glasgow University posts to graduating philosophy students. Hopefully it involves a picture of Plato fist-bumping Aristotle.

Conked by can

AN Irn-Bru can tumbled out the cupboard, bumping reader Mike Bennett’s head. “Luckily it was a soft drink,” he says.


CELEBRITY chefs are taking over people’s lives, making reader Larry Cheyne suspicious. “I wonder whether the current surfeit of cookery programmes on television could be termed a pan-demic?” he says.

Half measures

CARDWELL Garden Centre near Gourock has reopened the outdoor dining area of its Patio Restaurant. It is now urging visitors to join the Bites of the Round Table, adding that its scones and tarts are as legendary as King Arthur and his valiant knights.

Unfortunately the eatery isn’t selling rock cakes with dainty broadswords plunged inside, for noble diners to pluck out, thereby proving themselves to be the mighty rulers of all Gourock.

So perhaps Cardwell’s Camelot concept is only ‘Arthur’ good idea...

Hair flair

A SOUPCON of psychology from reader Dominic Fowler: “Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?” He asks: “Because he conditioned it.”

Read more: Those were the days