Sofa so good

THE things we do when alcohol staggers and stumbles through our veins. Radio DJ Garry Spence bought a sofa. Luckily his experience of furnishing fervour gone too far didn’t prove fatal. “Amazing service from DFS,” trills Garry, “taking a call on a Sunday night and saving my marriage by allowing me to cancel the oversized couch I ordered when I was a leeeeetle bit drunk.”

Name game

RETAILER Shoe Zone have appointed a new finance director, notes reader Fraser Moir. His name? Peter Foot.

Let’s hope he does a great job. It would be terrible if he got the boot.

Question time

WE suggested feisty political interrogator Andrew Neil could forge a fresh career interviewing highly suspicious characters from children’s TV. Albert Chadwick wants him to quiz Shaggy from the Scooby-Doo cartoons. Our reader believes such an inquisition would commence in the following manner…

Andrew Neil: So let me get this straight, Mr Shaggy. You’re a frazzle-haired hippy. You constantly have the munchies. You claim your dog talks to you. Yet you still deny this has anything to do with a certain substance that just might be stuffed in your pocket, along with a packet of Rizla?

Cut-price canopy

FINANCIALLY astute reader Scott Buchanan asks what is the cheapest part of a home? “It’s the roof,” reveals Scott. “Because it’s on the house.”

Guru guy

IN the long and eventful history of humanity our species has only existed in two modes of being. Either we are awake, or we slumber. Reader Rachel Harrington believes she has discovered a third mode, exhibited on numerous occasions by her teenage son… awake but horizontal.

“He opens his eyes about eleven am,” Rachel notes. “Though doesn’t attempt to get out of bed until 12.30, earliest.”

Rachel still has high hopes for her son. “Perhaps he’s showing youthful signs of evolving into a mystic guru,” she says, “and this is him practising deep spiritual meditation.”

Biting remark

WE continue telling hair-raising tales of hair cutting fails. Glaswegian broadcaster Aasmah Mir admits she hasn’t been able to get an appointment at her local salon: “Little bit jealous of all the ladies with beautifully cut and evenly coloured hair,” she says, though adds defiantly: “But I am getting my teeth scraped at the dentist next Friday. So who’s laughing now?”

Mind your language

WE mentioned that dyslexia is a curiously difficult word to spell. Reader Bill Thompson points out it’s a naughty word, too, being an anagram for “daily sex”.

Sick joke

“THERE’S only one thing that makes me throw up,” reveals reader Adam Barnes. “A dartboard on the ceiling.”

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