Life sucks

BROADCASTER Muriel Gray has been having a 'mare of a day working on her computer.

“If your internet is playing up do not decide, while you wait for it to recover, to hoover your keyboard,” says Muriel, who adds with a whiff of defeated exasperation: “If you were halfway through writing a serious email during the hoovering, tattoo this advice on your face.”

Dead famous

ANOTHER tale about comedy legend Johnny Beattie, who died last week. Back in 1984 Gordon Wright published a book called Famous Scots which was compiled by former Morningside Primary School headmaster, Forbes MacGregor. Gordon managed to get Forbes on STV's evening magazine programme to promote the book, where it was mentioned that only famous deceased Scots were included.

Johnny Beattie, who was also on the programme, quipped: “Aye, Forbes, a lot of folk must have been dying tae get in.”

Watching the detectives

A STORY about a relationship gone awry. Reader John Bryson tells us his girlfriend wanted to split up because he was always acting like a detective. To which John responded: “Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.”

In the pink

A DIARY yarn about Freddy Krueger, the monstrous villain from A Nightmare on Elm Street, reminds reader Toby McCabe of the time he watched the movie with his girlfriend, Nicola. Not a fan of horror flicks, Nicola was bored by the experience. Though she perked up when she spotted Freddy Krueger’s gloved hands sporting razorblade claws. “Bet he doesn’t get his nails done too often,” she said with a smirk, then added: “Pity. I’ve an aqua blue polish that would go lovely with his eyes.”

Backing out

A FRIEND of Edinburgh comedian Martin Bearne didn’t come to Martin’s party as he was suffering from sciatica. “He’s got some nerve,” says Martin.

View askew

A READER recently pointed out that wearing a face covering steams up the lenses of those who wear glasses. Harvey Smith was in Glasgow Central wearing his mask and struggling to see through his foggy specs. A helpful chap manning the ticket booth told him that rubbing soap in the lenses would solve the problem.

“It didn’t work when I tried,” says Harvey. “Though my eyebrows have never been cleaner.”

Name game

WE’VE been shining a spotlight on words that fail to do what they describe. Ian Noble from Carstairs Village points out that "anagram" is not an anagram of anything.

Food for thought

“WHAT do you get if you divide the circumference of an apple by its diameter?” ask Marc Portis. “Apple pi.”

Read more: Those were the days