A dog’s life

WE continue with our hair-raising tales of haircutting fails, hough on this occasion Ken McLean from Denny assures us the trims his wife has given him over the past few months have been excellent. The secret of her success? She cuts Ken’s hair with the same clippers used on the couple’s spaniels, Rosie and Riley.

“Before anyone gets too concerned about hygiene issues,” says Ken, “I can reassure folk that my wife gives the clippers a really good clean before using them on the dogs.”

Small change

ANOTHER Johnny Beattie story. The late, great comedian and his wife were part of a small group dining out in a busy restaurant in Glasgow’s West End, reader Janet Moffat tells us.

The kitchen was slow and apologies for the delay were made several times. Eventually the Beattie party’s food arrived. As the waiting staff stood with hot plates, Johnny and his wife were having a heated exchange.

“It is,” said one.

“It’s not,” said the other.

“I’m telling you, it is!”

Johnny then turned to the waitress and asked: “Are you the girl that took our order?” The girl replied: “Yes.” Johnny immediately responded: “My, hen, ye huvnae changed a bit.”

Fishy tale

“SOMEONE threw a giant bottle of Omega-3 pills at me,” complains reader Joe Hunter. Thankfully he’s now fully recovered. “I only suffered super fish oil injuries,” he explains.

Mystery girl

GLASGOW-based comedian and actress Rachel Jackson is in a romantic mood. Sort of. “I don’t want a boyfriend,” she says. “I just want someone I can regularly talk to about conspiracy theories without judgment.”

Hair raising predicament

THE biggest shock of the year is provided by Rod Stewart who has been spotted sans spikey hair. Reader Patrick Butler says this could prove detrimental for the economy.

“As if the financial situation wasn’t parlous enough,” sighs Patrick. “Now an entire industry will go bust because of the sartorial choice of an ageing rock star. Because prior to this week, Rod must have been purchasing at least ninety per cent of the hair gel on the market.”

Countrified bird

AFTER a public vote was held, three osprey chicks at Loch Arkaig Pine Forest have been named. But what about their mother? “Is she, by any chance, called the Grand Ole Osprey?” wonders Gilbert MacKay from Newton Mearns.

Gran gesture

YESTERDAY Ian Noble from Carstairs Village pointed out that ‘anagram’ isn’t an anagram of any single word. “Though it is an anagram of ‘am a gran’” he points out today.

Chilling thought

DAFT joke time. “What’s blue and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?” asks Winston Mortimer. “A fridge in a denim jacket.”

Read more: Those were the days