Face facts

PERHAPS the worst one-hit-wonder ever released was Shaddap You Face by Joe Dolce. Though reader Jonathan Truman believes the hit single from 1980 has become a topical statement for our times.

“Our mouths are either clamped shut fearing cancel culture or because we’re forced to wear adapted dish cloths over our faces for a quick jaunt to Morrisons,” says Jonathan. “We really are the Shaddap You Face Generation. Did Joe Dolce secretly become Prime Minister?”

Wedding woes

WHEN celebrating a significant occasion you would expect people to respond kindly. This rarely happens on social media where warm and effusive remarks are replaced by scorn and abusive snarks.

Case in point, Chief Executive of the SNP, Peter Murrell, made the error of announcing on Twitter that he was celebrating his tenth wedding anniversary to party leader Nicola Sturgeon.

One follower reminded him this is the tin anniversary, adding: “You both are members of the SNP, a tin pot administration. How appropriate!”


Tree-mendously funny?

THE first rule of Diary Club is you must never mention… elephants. The reason? When we do, we receive a slurry of silly elephant jokes. Unfortunately we mentioned the chunky grey trunksters recently. Now a reader, who understandably wants to remain anonymous, asks: “Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide in cherry trees.”

City slickers

COLLECTING his newspaper, David Strang from Newton Mearns assumed he had the wrong publication as several pages were in Chinese. “Then I realised I was reading the University graduation results,” he adds.

Yup, Glasgow’s an increasingly rich and culturally diverse city, much like the Big Apple. Maybe we should all start using those crazy Noo Yoik accents…


COMIC book writer Mark Millar gives a sample of the dinner time questions he’s bombarded with from his six year old daughter: “If Peter Pan never grows old does that mean he can never die? What if you shot him? What if you held him underwater?”

Ouch: Part Two.

Best of Beattie

ANOTHER story about the late comedian Johnny Beattie. Russell Smith from Kilbirnie says: “Wasn’t it Johnny who said he didn’t tell blue jokes, they were all green. He recycled them.”

Arch acronym

BECAUSE of changing rules and regulations regarding the easing of lockdown, and differences throughout the UK, reader Brian Johnston from Torrance is grateful for the acronyms that have arisen such as ‘FACTS’ which he suggests stands for: "F*** All Clarity, Total Shambles.”

Muddled militia

A MILITARY query from East Kilbride’s John Harold: “In the army, why does a private go into a general office and a general goes into a private office?”