Throwing shade

THE following story uses violent imagery, but then Shakespeare tended to chuck buckets of blood across the boards of the Globe Theatre. So we’re in good company. Reader Laura O’Reilly was in a Glasgow pub where a creepy bloke was eyeballing a young woman from a distance. The bloke eventually swaggered over and, staring at the woman’s legs, grunted: “Nice pins, hen.”

The woman countered: “If a hud oany pins on me, I’d be jabbin’ them intae a voodoo doll o’ you, pal.”

The vanquished suitor dissolved into the shadows, and probably hasn’t crept out of them since.

Talking scents

MASKS. They don’t just cover up. They reveal things about ourselves. “It wasn’t until I wore a face mask shopping that I realised my breath’s honking,” admits reader John Fraser.

“Either that or the armpit of a professional darts player keeps sneaking in there, next to my nose.”

Trump that

AS the first actor to play psycho psychiatrist Hannibal Lecter, Brian Cox relishes being a scary villain. Though some roles are too reprehensible, even for him. “Trump is a bad part because the man has got no dimension,” he says. “He’s a nitwit. A dumbass. The man’s a congenital idiot. If someone asked me to play Trump, I’d say no.”

If a blockbuster about The Donald is made, perhaps Cox would be willing to pull on a skirt and girdle to play Trump’s wee Scottish maw. The Dundonian is one of the few Hollywood high flyers who could pull off the accent without turning the movie into Brigadoon 2: The Wacko White House Years.

Broken break

WE continue comparing the world before lockdown with present circumstances. Simon Cunningham offers the following.

THEN: “Where shall we go on holiday? Florida’s nice, with the beach and Disney World…”

NOW: “Where shall we go on holiday? The top of Buchanan Street’s a possibility. And there’s a bench to sit on which is only a little damp in the rain…”

Monster meal

A READER complained that hammocks are overrated. Sam Winward believes the same is true of a swanky lobster meal. “The vile crustaceans look like aliens from a 1970s Doctor Who episode,” winces Sam. “Tom Baker in a long scarf should be forking them. Not me.”

Age and wisdom

GLASGOW-BASED comedian Michael Redmond is feeling philosophical: “People say age is just a number. Seventy, for example, is just a number. But when you add 'years of age' to it, it's ****ing old.”

Cephalopod silliness

DAFT joke time. “What language do squids speak?” asks Julie Turner. “Inklish.”

Read more: Those were the days