Rubbish answers

HUNGRY for a challenge, reader Laura Eastham wants to appear on Mastermind. She’s even decided upon a specialist subject… her bin shed. This is how she thinks her time in the black chair being quizzed by John Humphrys will play out.

Humphrys: What should you put in the grey bin?

Laura: Um, well grey’s associated with old age. So ancient stuff, like that TV remote control that’s been jammed in the back of a drawer for 17 years.

Humphrys: Incorrect. What should you put in the blue bin?

Laura: That’s easy. Things that make me feel blue. Like that dress I love that’s now too tight…

Humphrys: This isn’t going well. Shouldn’t you have picked an easier topic? The rise and fall of the Roman Empire, perhaps?

Write off

PLAYWRIGHT David Greig is boastful about his delaying tactics. He says: “I’m not one of your amateur crastinators. I’m a pro.”

Bear necessities

AS tensions are ratcheted up between the UK and a certain Eastern European nation, reader Andrew Barton believes he knows how to make our countries get along. “British people are nervous about Russian political interference because their country’s symbolised by a fearsome grizzly bear,” he explains. “If Russia changed the breed of bear it would help the relationship.”

And which bear does Andrew suggest?

“Yogi from Jellystone Park seems approachable,” he points out.

The name game

MOTHERWELL footballer Tony Watt has played for various clubs. Though as a young boy he was a Fir Park regular who adored striker Don Goodman. Was it because of Goodman’s ability to ping in goals? Nope.

Tony has revealed he liked Don because he was called Goodman. Meaning he must be a good man.

With this criteria we’re loath to ask Tony about a certain player signed by his former club, Celtic.

Though we bet he has some pithy opinions about Rafael Scheidt…

Job screening exercise

THE last job Fife comedian Richard Pulsford applied for was with a sun cream manufacturer. “They said they were impressed with the way I applied myself,” beams Richard.

Work or shirk?

WE continue comparing the world before lockdown with the present. Reader Kenneth Harris offers this.

THEN: Morning routine – Stumble out of bed, shave, shower, dress, train, office, work.

NOW: Morning routine – Roll over in bed, drag laptop from underneath bed, prop laptop on pillow, work.

Snow idea

FORMER Dundee MP Jim McGovern returns with another question needing answered: “How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the morning?”

Step too far

“I DON’T trust stairs,” says reader Sam McDaniel. “They’re always up to something.”

Read more: Those were the days