Joanna junked

ACTOR Douglas Henshall is taking piano lessons. “I think it may turn out to be one of the joys of my life,” twinkles the tyro tinkler of tuneful keys. In a darker tone he adds: “I also know that the piano may well get chopped up and used for firewood. It’s VERY frustrating.”

Close shave

MORE romance gone wrong. Karen Miller from Johnstone agreed to a blind date with a pal’s cousin. The fellow turned out to have a beard. Karen foolishly mentioned to him she didn’t like beards. The fellow insisted on driving to his house to shave off the fuzzy monster before the date progressed further. Karen waited awkwardly in the hall while the deed was done. Eventually the fellow returned, shorn of facial shrubbery.

Flaring his nostrils amorously, he said: “Look! I also plucked my nasal hairs.”

Sofa so good

STEVEN Gerrard is demanding dosh to buy superstars. Reader Charlie Macdonald has a suggestion for the Rangers boss.

1) Acquire an old sofa.

2) Hire two burly blokes.

3) Order burly blokes to turn sofa on its head and shake vigorously.

4) Collect ancient pen lids, melted chocolate buttons and coins that tumble from sofa.

5) Spend the accrued wealth wisely.

“That’s the only way to obtain cash in Scottish footie,” our reader points out.

Pizza the action

FANCYING a treat, reader Gordon Moir ordered a pizza for him and his wife. The food arrived, which Gordon fetched from outside his door with more excitement than usual, as there were three boxes rather than the two requested. Had the delivery folk messed up and sent an extra meal? Alas, no. One box was empty. “That’s the diet option,” said Gordon’s wife.

Drunk on success

ROD Stewart says guzzling wine helped him write his greatest hits, all of which have stood the test of time. Reader Martin Walton also produces something exceptional and long-lasting when on the vino. “It’s called a stonking great headache,” he admits.

Toilet humour

ANOTHER Johnny Beattie tale, this one from actor and director Jerry Taylor. Johnny told Jerry his favourite name for a panto dame he’d played was… Phillipa Bedpan.

We certainly wouldn’t poo-poo his choice.

Chew on that

WE love someone living up to their name. So does reader David Donaldson, who spotted that a Dr Jennifer Mordue of Aberdeen University studies the Scottish midge.

As David points out, her name means bitten in French. We bet she’s been bitten in Scotland, too.


PUBLIC spirited Alex Paton enquires if a reader has lost £1000 wrapped in elastic bands. “I’ve found your elastic bands,” he says.