Strop with Klopp

SIR Alex Ferguson can be tetchy. So Liverpool boss Jurgen Klopp must be a brave soul. He phoned the former Manchester United manager at 3.30 in the morning to inform Ferguson the Scousers had won the English Premiership.

Sir Alex hasn’t revealed his reaction, though the following options are possibilities:

A) Fergie: “No, no, Jurgen, old chap. Course you didn’t wake me. I was just finishing my early-morning bagpipe recital. It seems I’ve become one of those noisy neighbours I was always so concerned about.

B) Fergie: “Listen, ye ****ing ****! If ye ever ****ing phone again I’ll ring your ****ing neck!”

At this juncture we must apologise. When typing, the Diary scribe appears to have inadvertently jammed his finger in the asterisk key. Which happens a lot when we write about Sir Alex…


MORE argy-bargy. Reader Colin Fowler is intrigued by allegations in royal biography Finding Freedom that Harry and Meghan are at loggerheads with William and Kate. Colin suggests the warring couples should entertain the nation by scrapping in a tag team wrestling match. He’s even devised wrestling names for the blue-blood battlers:

The younger brother who killed off his own royal career… Harry-kari

The bombastic belle from abroad… Meg-aton Blast

The dull but dutiful older bruv… No-frills Wills

The middle-class ma’am with hidden grit… Glasgow Kiss Me Kate

Water palaver

YET more violence. “A friend told me he hopes I die in a deep hole filled with water,” says reader William Briggs. “I know he means well.”

Getting the needle

DIRE dates continued. A friend of reader Moira Campbell was pestered for a date by a bloke at work. She eventually agreed. Alas, there was no second date. The reason? The bloke wasn’t best pleased when Moira’s friend, in the middle of the romantic evening, took out her knitting. Perhaps she was attempting to knit a more attractive bloke…

Brought to book

THE wife of reader Mark Garner hates hubby’s wordplay gags and wants him to use his creative powers to write a fictional book instead. So Mark said to his wife: “That’s a novel idea.”

Sucker for soccer

FOOTBALL podcaster Ray Bradshaw had a kickabout for the first time since lockdown. With much pride he boasts that he’s “still got it.” With a tad less pride he adds: “And by ‘it’ I mean a chronic lack of fitness and a willingness to shoot from ridiculous angles at all times.”

Touching comment

“THERE’S something I don’t like about Do Not Touch signs,” says reader Peter Harris. “I just can’t put my finger on it.”