Grave thoughts

FORMER primary school teacher Amy Kinnaird from Ochiltree was once driving some pupils to a swimming competition. On the way, the gang passed Pennyvenie Pit, which had stopped mining coal years before. There was a low building near the entrance, with a row of glazed windows along the exterior wall. Behind each window was a semi-circular outline of a shape inside the building. Amy told her pupils it was probably the pit baths. One lass answered in a surprised tone: "Mrs K, I thought that was an indoor cemetery!"

The Big Sleep

THE sleeping patterns of Glasgow actress Michele Gallagher have been spangled by stardust. “Do you ever wake up and hope your dream is a series?” she says, before adding: “I’m planning a nap later to find out what happens, and may even have an early night to binge on a couple of episodes.”

Does this mean Michele should buy a TV licence for snoozing? Let’s hope the BBC doesn’t discover she’s entertaining herself without their permission…

Biting remark

READING the Diary’s Johnny Beattie tales reminds Jeananne Kidd from Cathcart of the time she spotted another comedy great, Charlie Sim from the One O’Clock Gang, in a Dunoon café. Suddenly a female customer walked over to his table with a huge grin on her face and said: "Aw Charlie, yer teeth are luvly. Ur they yer ain?"

Nats nobbled

DOES SNP stand for ‘Sorry, Nae Pontificating’? Reader Bill Thompson thinks it might. “Is the sale of SNP logo facemasks a cunning plan by unionists to gag independence supporters?” he asks.

Crunch time

BORIS Johnson intends to tackle the obesity crises. Reader Frank Wilson believes the nation’s obsession with pizza deliveries is to blame. “The country’s in the middle of a deep-pan demic,” he announces.

Dainty drinking

THE Diary is inventing conspiracy theories. Reader Stan Edmunds whispers in our ear that Rab C Nesbitt isn’t really working class. “I once spotted him raising his pinkie while drinking, just like the Queen,” says Stan. “Okay, it was a can of Tennent’s, not tea. Though it still looked very la-di-da.”

Avoidance tactics

WE recently discussed Sainsbury’s trialling of a virtual queue app which will enable shoppers to avoid hanging around outside the store. In a profound mood, reader Sonia Petersen says: “Technology is just the knack of arranging the world so that you need not experience it.”

Flight of fancy

MUSING about the natural world, Coatbridge comedian Sam Tennent asks: “Do you think whoever named the fly was gutted when he found out about birds?”