Napoleonic law

ACH, well. It was fun while it lasted. It is argued that the proposed Hate Crime Bill could stifle free speech in Scotland, including the freedom to make certain jokes. The Diary team is brave and bold, of course, and won’t be cowed. Okay, we’re a teensy bit cowed. Half calved, perhaps. Meanwhile, we will continue publishing edgy satire. Though to be on the safe side we won’t focus on anything too topical and contentious.

Speaking of which, isn’t that Julius Caesar a rum 'un? And we have a hunch that Napoleon Bonaparte’s up to no good, too.

Fringe benefits

THE Edinburgh Fringe returns in muted form with an audio book released this week. Reader Jimmy Simpson has a suggestion for those pining for the real thing: “To recreate the fun of the Fringe in your house hire a plummy-voiced Cambridge undergraduate to stand next to your fridge dressed as a medieval jester whilst shoving flyers into the face of anyone passing.”

Jimmy adds: “For added authenticity make sure the flyers promote something unwatchable. A mimed version of Macbeth performed from behind a brick wall is a good shout.”

Christmas cancelled?

STROLLING down Argyle Street, John O’Kane heard a woman say to her wee boy: "Naw, ye cannae. An' anyway, Santa might have coronavirus this year."

Well, he is at that vulnerable age…

Dry-witted dominie

AN East Dunbartonshire pedagogue tells us of a gathering of retired classroom veterans. The gang reflected on recent Westminster warnings that there will have to be a trade-off between opening schools and closing pubs. With horror in his eyes, the resident bibulous bachelor said: "But where would you do your corrections?"

Pointed comment

WACKY inventor Elon Musk tweeted that the pyramids were built by aliens. We could mock him. But in truth we love a cracking conspiracy theory and are devising our own. Gordon Dale brings the latest. “Don’t tell a soul,” he whispers, “but Rod Stewart keeps his hair spiky by injecting himself with hedgehog blood.”

Alas, our reader is poorly informed. We know for a fact it’s hedgehogs who keep their spikes spiffy with gallons of Rod blood…


FUSION cuisine was invented in Scotland, as visiting London author Holly Bourne has discovered. With a dazed look in her eyes she says: “I just had my first macaroni cheese pie and I swear, Scotland, I'm not leaving you. Not ever.”

Brought to book

BREAKING news. Reader Dorothy Fowler informs us Donald Trump’s library burned down. Both books were destroyed, and tragically, he hadn’t finished colouring the second one.

Read more: Darts and a flight of fancy