Let's Twist

SCOTTISH pupils have got their results. And it’s a big fail… for the exam board. Youngsters in less salubrious areas had their grades marked down by a greater percentage than wealthier kids. A punch in the postcode for the poorest.

Nicola Sturgeon says they can always go begging to the appeals board. Oor Nic loves reading. So maybe she got this idea from a classic.

Picture the scene: A trembling child cowers in the shadow of an appeals board administrator, who is dressed in the garb of a Victorian beadle.

“Yes?” booms this intimidating personage, glowering at the quivering mite.

“Please sir,” whispers the mite, showing his grades. “Can I have some more?”

A gruel-ling experience, indeed.

Year of fear

THOSE frivolous folk who spend their days on social media are playing a new game. The idea is you bump into your 18-year-old self but only have three words you can speak to them. What do you say?

Shawlands reader Melissa Taylor suggests: “2020? Avoid! Avoid!”

In the drink

THE weather has been doing that Scottish thing again. It says summer on the tin. Then you open it up and get a big lump of winter. Our favourite vision of this unseasonal season comes from comedy great Ford Kiernan who says: “Good luck to anybody eatin’ soup in the garden.”

Beasts of burden

SCOTTISH charity, the SSPCA, is warning people not to make pets of wild animals as it’s distressing for the beasts. Reader Julie Armstrong doesn’t agree. “Surely those wandering, stray hipsters of Glasgow’s West End need a home?” she says, adding: “If we’re not allowed to keep the fuzzy creatures, can we at least provide them with food and sustenance? I hear they’re rather partial to a kale salad and chai latte.”

Telly (no) vision

RECALLING his 1950s youth, Fraser Mackay says his family was the first on his street to get a telly. Although one jealous neighbour installed a TV aerial on her roof, to make it seem like she also had a box.

“My dad chuckled at that,” says our reader. “He compared it to going on a date with Marilyn Monroe, then ending the evening with a firm handshake and goodbye.”

Bonkers brigade

WE’VE been concocting conspiracy theories. Simon McClean suggests we spread a rumour that the UK and Scottish governments are competent. “Sorry, scrap that,” adds Simon. “I’ve gone too far. That one’s worthy of the tinfoil hat brigade.”

Difficult dodge

“I’M invited to a hair-washing party,” says reader Sarah Winston. “Now I can’t think of a reason not to go.”

Read more: Those were the days