Bonding session

A RADIO Times poll has voted Sean Connery the greatest James Bond. With this in mind, we’ve devised a cunning method of keeping the movie franchise popular after Daniel Craig quits. Replace the ageing Bond protagonist with another Son of Alba. One possibility is Scottish Tory leader, and qualified footy ref, Douglas Ross. Here’s a scene from our proposed flick. Ross meets spy boss M.

M: Are you a patriot, Mr Ross?

Ross: Yes, sir! Union Jack undies. Maggie Thatcher lunchbox. British Bulldog soft-toy for nighty-night cuddles…

M: Handle a weapon?

Ross: I can stop a man in his tracks with… this!

(Ross pulls a red card from his pocket.)

M: Not good enough, I’m afraid. Next candidate! Now you look REALLY promising. So, Ms Davidson. Or may I call you Ruth..?

Frisky Fido

A STORM cloud drifted over the usually immaculate presentational skills of BBC weather woman Carol Kirkwood. In yesterday’s breakfast forecast, live from London’s Greenwich Park, she described the scene with lilting enthusiasm: “Fabulous! The sun is beating down. We’ve seen lots of doggers.”

She possibly meant dog walkers. Though that London Town is known for its energetic social life…

Bog awful

CONDOM craic continued. Visiting a village pub in Argyll years ago, a reader was surprised to spot a condom machine in the gents. Such machines were rare back then, and the word "condom" had only recently been accepted into common parlance. Looking closer at the machine, our reader noticed a disappointed person had scrawled on it: “This chewing gum is rubbish.”

Tall order

TO avenge pupils whose exam results were downgraded, we’re lowering the status of smug personalities. Dan Owen suggests footballer Lionel Messi be reassessed in the brutal Scottish exam board style. “Messi’s a decent goal scorer,” he concedes. “But put the wee fella on a basketball court… not so cocky. And, no. He can’t bring a stepladder.”

Sofa so good

WE’RE devising movie sequels that truthfully reflect the march of time. Brian Davidson suggests Indiana Jones and the Couch of Doom, where 78-year-old Harrison Ford again battles villainy. Though this time his heroics are interrupted repeatedly when Indiana dumps the bullwhip and hat to enjoy 40 winks on a La-Z-Boy.

Brought to book

A READER advertised William Wallace’s laptop for sale. In similar fashion, John Dunlop’s punting Nicola Sturgeon’s school economics textbook. “Unopened,” he adds. “As new.”

Chic chaps

A RECENT Diary photo reminds reader Derek Service of Chic Murray’s ambition. He wanted to travel to Moscow, knock on the Kremlin door and enquire: “Is Lenin?”

Read more: Those were the days