WITH youngsters back behind their desks and life settling into the uniformity of the school uniform, we’re recalling classic tales involving kids of all ages (ie 1-100). Though with the emphasis on the junior crackpots in our community. For instance, we once heard of an elegant primary seven teacher in an East Renfrewshire school who was returning the class’s language jotters after marking. Unhappy with the work one child had produced she leant over his desk and said quietly: “Half-hearted,” then placed the jotter in front of him.

He looked at her wide-eyed, turned to his pal and said incredulously: “She said she’s farted.”

Heading for trouble

AN educational psychologist swore it was true that at a nursery in Lanarkshire he asked a little boy to draw a man. The puzzled psychologist noted that only the body and crude representations of arms and legs were produced. So he said to the boy: “Why don’t you put the head on it?”

The young chap looked thoughtful, shrugged his shoulders, then head-butted the paper on the table.

Absurdly wordy

A GLASGOW father was watching his young daughter as she set up an email account on the family computer. She reached the point where she had to put in a password and the message on the screen explained it had to have at least four characters. So, after thinking about it, she typed in: ‘snowwhitebartsimpsonshrekwoodie’.

Penny pincher

TWO expensively dressed teenage girls were travelling on the Glasgow to Bearsden bus when the following exchange took place between them: “You mean you buy your own clothes?”


“All your clothes?”


“Really… you mean you actually buy all your own clothes?”

“Yes. But I steal all my make-up.”

Age range

A COUPLE once called in at a Tobermory hotel during the Easter weekend. They got chatting to the woman at the next table and her little girl. Eventually one of them asked the wee one how old she was, to which she replied: “Six. But if I’m on the ferry or train I’m only four.”

Story time

A YOUNG child asked his mother: “Do all fairy tales begin with ‘once upon a time’?”

“No son,” she said. “Sometimes they begin with ‘I’ll be working late at the office tonight’.”

History lesson

LOTHIAN’S finest came upon a group of 14 Italian youths who couldn’t find their Edinburgh lodgings. So, at four in the morning, the polis phoned the organiser of the Millennium Commonwealth Youth Games, which were taking place in Edinburgh at the time. They asked him if the Italians were perhaps lost athletes.

When the organiser came to, he gently pointed out to the officer that as far as he knew Italy was never actually a member of the Commonwealth, and went back to sleep.

Bright spark

A CHILDISH gag. “I caught my son chewing an electric wire,” a reader told us. “So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.”