Saucy statue

A DIARY story about how computers can be programmed to make rapid amendments to documents reminds Catriona Malan of the time she was at a writers' conference. A well-known author recalled naming the main character in a book she was working on David. Though after a while she decided to call him Dick. The computer obliged and scanned her manuscript, making the required changes. Unfortunately somewhere in the book there was a reference to a certain famous statue… Michelangelo's David.

Nose knows nought

A RUN of school tales reminds reader Margaret Thomson of her teaching days. She was once in class wearing her new Tweed perfume when a wee lad leaned in close and said: "Ah know what you've been doin' Miss. You've been rubbin' yer chest wi' Vick."

Snooker loopy

IN these curious and contradictory times reader Tobias Milton notes that theatres remain closed to the public while the World Snooker Championship was allowed an audience.

Tobias believes actorly stagecraft could be combined with the green baize game in a bid to get thespians back treading the boards. He suggests the following scene might meet governmental approval:

“Is this a dagger which I see before me?”

“No, Macbeth. It’s a snooker cue. Now let’s see if you can pot King Duncan’s crown in the corner pocket.”

Hard to swallow

A READER tells us a story that perhaps isn’t true, though should be. Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary strolls into a pub after a hard day at his UK office and asks for a pint of Guinness. As the barman is pouring he says: “That’ll be 50 pence, please.”

An impressed O’Leary replies: “That’s very cheap. Great!”

“Ah,” says the barman, “but you’ll be wanting a glass.”

Robo wars

WE’RE devising movie sequels that reflect how the story would proceed in the real world. David Cowdell suggests another film in the Terminator franchise. This one would be called the Tartanator. It would be about a fierce robot called the A1-Ex Salmond who takes on its enemies in a fictitious political party called the SNP.

The A1-Ex’s battle cry is, of course: “Och aye’ll be back.”

Chewed-up career

OZZY Osbourne fears he may never perform on stage again. “Which is bad news for heavy metal fans,” says reader Alan Connor. “Though good news for bats.”

Wash and go

EDINBURGH comedian Martin Bearne has group dynamics sussed. “As a society we only need to use shampoo on our hair,” he explains. “The rest is just conditioning.”

Read more: Those were the days