Meat treat A FAVOURITE holiday destination of reader Barrie Crawford is Puerto Pollensa. He can’t visit this year, though Barrie’s wife still found time to wistfully study the internet menu of one of her favourite restaurants in the region. She found some choice dishes, though the English translation didn’t always promote them to their best advantage. The finest delicacy on offer was something the restaurant proudly trumpeted as the "lower loin of old cow". Best stick with the paella, probably. Bleedin’ nightmare SOME punishments fit the crime. For instance, a psychologist friend of the Diary recalls dealing with an exasperated headteacher who wanted a disruptive female pupil sent to a menstrual home. Mind your language WITH tradesmen visiting houses again, reader Val Boyling has supplied us with a helpful guide, titled: Parliamo Builder’s Lingo. Below are some extracts from this useful document. Phrase: Whooo. (Sharp intake of breath.) Translation: This is seriously going to cost you, pal. Phrase: We’ll start Monday. Translation: That’ll be the first Monday after we’ve finished all the other jobs we have ongoing. Rover and out CLASSROOM capers continued. A teacher acquaintance of reader John Patton worked in Glasgow’s north side, hearing many lurid stories from pupils. Then she she got a posting to a posh Stirling school where the vibe was a little different. This was brought home to her when an eight-year-old pupil wrote in her language book: “Daddy took the seat out of the Land Rover and put it in the morning room.” Getting lippy ARSENAL star Kieran Tierney fears returning to Parkhead because some fans won’t forgive him for leaving Celtic. Reader Pat McKinley says Kieran could visit his old stomping ground in disguise, hiding behind a splendiferously splashy moustache. “Though it may backfire, leaving him even more unpopular,” admits Pat. “He could be mistaken for Graeme Souness, circa 1986.” Dramatic situation QUESTION: What phrase can you use while enjoying amorous activities in bed and also at the theatre? Glasgow comedian Janey Godley has the perfect answer: “Can we skip to the end?” Burning question WITH pupils returning to secondary schools there are fears that social distancing rules are being ignored by kids. “Of course they are,” says reader Marc Browne. “How are you meant to give your best pal a welcome back Chinese-burn from six feet away?” What a wag DAFT joke time. “Where does a dog go when his tail falls off?” asks reader Charles Roberts. “A retailers, of course.”