Water catastrophe

WE hear that Scottish high school pupils are being offered work experience opportunities. Nothing new there. Though this will be virtual work experience, an innovation that means kids won’t appear in person, but will connect with the workplace via a computer screen.

We understand why this is necessary in these social distancing times. But what if a pupil wants to try being a lifeguard at the local swimming baths? This could lead to a youngster yelling into their laptop: “Paddle! Paddle harder! Now d’you see why you shoulda worn water-wings, ya numpty?”

Mind your language

INVESTIGATORS have discovered that half the entries in the Scots version of Wikipedia, the popular online encyclopaedia, were the work of one American teen who doesn’t speak the language.

The Diary frowns upon scholarly deceit. Though we grudgingly admire such cheeky audacity, and have tried to imagine some Scots definitions the youth might have come up with...

Bampot: A cooking receptacle used for boiling bams, a rare Scottish delicacy as sought after as beluga caviar.

Wheesht: A small, furry creature that makes an ideal pet for children. It must be hugged regularly or it becomes disconsolate. Hence the oft heard parental entreaty for children to: “Haud yer wheesht.”

Walk the walk

THE Last Night of the Proms dispensed with the lyrics to Land of Hope and Glory and Rule Britannia, deeming them too hubristic for modern times. Keen to follow a trend, we’re campaigning to have Scottish songs also stripped of their cocky arrogance. Reader John Palmer suggests The Proclaimers ditty about walking 500 miles, then 500 more, should be dialled down to: “But I would walk 500 miles. Then I’d get a taxi the rest of the way, cos these are new shoes and my corns are killing me.”

Footy flop

ANDY Murray suggested Lionel Messi may join Hibs. A joke, of course. Though Tom Fowler reminds us another footballing icon, George Best, played for the club.

“Though he was George Well-Past-His-Best by then,” concedes our reader.

Name game

WE recently claimed the laziest human ever is the bloke who named the fireplace. John McCallum from Glasgow disagrees: “What about the person who decided to call a village beside the sea in Northumbria Seahouses?”

Pointed remark

MORE phrases that can be used in the theatre and the boudoir. Bob Jamieson suggestively suggests: ‘’Is this a dagger I see before me?’’

Cadaverous comedy

GHOULISH gag time. “I enjoyed an evening out at an Autopsy Club,” says Kevin Arnold. “It was Open Mike night.”