Little gems
EWE couldn’t make it up. The world’s most expensive sheep has sold at auction in Lanark for £365, 00. A large dollop of dosh for what is essentially a cardigan waiting to happen. Perhaps the woolly wonder is so pricey because it’s named Double Diamond, which sounds like something Kim Kardashian would wear on her pinkie. Talking of Double Diamonds, that also happens to be the name we give our classic tales. Though being a generous bunch, we don’t charge £365,000, but give them away free with every copy of the Saturday Herald. For instance, we recall a certain Diamond Geezer of our acquaintance who insisted he used to drive along a “jewelled garageway”.
Table manners
THEY try not to stare, the better class of Edinburgh folk. So when Jeffrey Archer and his wife, Mary, entered the city’s awfy smert Witchery restaurant with Malcolm Rifkind and his wife, other diners tried to be nonchalant. Apart from one matronly lady who could be heard telling her dining companion: “Well, at least she finally knows where her husband is on a Saturday night.”
Tip-top tradesman
BOXING legend Ken Buchanan told the tale of having to go back to work as a joiner when the money ran out. In his scruffy overalls not everyone recognised him. But on one job a boxing fan did indeed spot Ken and came over and asked for his autograph. He was being watched by fellow workies who did not know of his past, and one piped up in astonishment as he signed his name: “You must be some effin’ joiner.”
Teacher chickens out
WHEN food aficionado and TV presenter Prue Leith was once in Glasgow she recalled a visit to a farm which encouraged school trips. A little nipper was holding a newly hatched chick, and with wide eyes said to the farmer: “What will happen to him when he grows up?” Less than subtle, the farmer replied: “In ten weeks he’ll be your dinner.” The teacher cringed, anxious to protect her charge from such brutality. But the boy said: “Will he be big enough, then?”
Romantic judgement
AN apposite mistake that once appeared in the web pages of the Law Society of Scotland. In its section on divorce, common questions are listed, and under: “When can I get a divorce?” comes the answer: “If you have loved apart for more than two years.”
Brief encounter
AN Irish chap visiting Glasgow told us about his experience in a city-centre nightclub. Approaching a fair maiden with what he thought was a winning smile and the line: “Would you like to dance?” he was met with the classy rejoinder: “Take ma sister. Ah’m sweatin’.”
Sofa so bad
ADVERT spotted in an American newspaper: “For sale, double sofa bed, $40. Legs slightly wobbly, mattress hard and lumpy. Suitable for in-laws.”
Colourful comment
WE end with an exceedingly silly joke a reader once told us. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot, of course.
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here