Little gems

EWE couldn’t make it up. The world’s most expensive sheep has sold at auction in Lanark for £365, 00. A large dollop of dosh for what is essentially a cardigan waiting to happen. Perhaps the woolly wonder is so pricey because it’s named Double Diamond, which sounds like something Kim Kardashian would wear on her pinkie. Talking of Double Diamonds, that also happens to be the name we give our classic tales. Though being a generous bunch, we don’t charge £365,000, but give them away free with every copy of the Saturday Herald. For instance, we recall a certain Diamond Geezer of our acquaintance who insisted he used to drive along a “jewelled garageway”.

Table manners

THEY try not to stare, the better class of Edinburgh folk. So when Jeffrey Archer and his wife, Mary, entered the city’s awfy smert Witchery restaurant with Malcolm Rifkind and his wife, other diners tried to be nonchalant. Apart from one matronly lady who could be heard telling her dining companion: “Well, at least she finally knows where her husband is on a Saturday night.”

Tip-top tradesman

BOXING legend Ken Buchanan told the tale of having to go back to work as a joiner when the money ran out. In his scruffy overalls not everyone recognised him. But on one job a boxing fan did indeed spot Ken and came over and asked for his autograph. He was being watched by fellow workies who did not know of his past, and one piped up in astonishment as he signed his name: “You must be some effin’ joiner.”

Teacher chickens out

WHEN food aficionado and TV presenter Prue Leith was once in Glasgow she recalled a visit to a farm which encouraged school trips. A little nipper was holding a newly hatched chick, and with wide eyes said to the farmer: “What will happen to him when he grows up?” Less than subtle, the farmer replied: “In ten weeks he’ll be your dinner.” The teacher cringed, anxious to protect her charge from such brutality. But the boy said: “Will he be big enough, then?”

Romantic judgement

AN apposite mistake that once appeared in the web pages of the Law Society of Scotland. In its section on divorce, common questions are listed, and under: “When can I get a divorce?” comes the answer: “If you have loved apart for more than two years.”

Brief encounter

AN Irish chap visiting Glasgow told us about his experience in a city-centre nightclub. Approaching a fair maiden with what he thought was a winning smile and the line: “Would you like to dance?” he was met with the classy rejoinder: “Take ma sister. Ah’m sweatin’.”

Sofa so bad

ADVERT spotted in an American newspaper: “For sale, double sofa bed, $40. Legs slightly wobbly, mattress hard and lumpy. Suitable for in-laws.”

Colourful comment

WE end with an exceedingly silly joke a reader once told us. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot, of course.