Proper Charlie

INVERNESS-based historical crime writer Shona MacLean (known to the reading public as S.G. MacLean) has been researching past times and has unearthed some startling information.

Barely suppressing tremors of excitement, she says: “Anyone who remembers the 1970s will understand my delight on discovering that amongst the aliases used by Prince Charles Edward Stuart as he lived incognito in Paris in the late 1740s was 'Mr Benn'.”

No Ken do

TRYING to figure out how best to manage public entertainment in these safety conscious times, reader Lucy Smallwood suggests cinemas should only be allowed to show flicks made by that ever-so-worthy director Ken Loach. “Consequently only one or two people would turn up at a time,” says Lucy. “At least one of them would quickly realise it was a Loach film being screened. They would then flee into the night, trailing hotdog mustard and popcorn. Voila! Instant social distancing.”

Mucky Macbeth

MORE phrases that can be used in the theatre and the boudoir. Reader David Donaldson lives in the heart of Glasgow’s vibrant West End where people often experiment with racy alternative lifestyles. He therefor suggests: “When shall we three meet again?”

Krank it up

THE joy that youngsters no doubt experienced on returning to school have been diminished somewhat. Starting today, the poor scamps have to wear facemasks in corridors. The Diary wonders how schoolchildren from previous eras, such as Wee Jimmy Krankie, would have coped with such an impediment.

Jimmy’s rousing pop song from the 1980s, Fan-Dabi-Dozi, would probably have sounded like this: “Mmm mm-mm mm mmm mm, mm-mm, mm mmm mm…”

(A vast improvement, in other words.)

Chocs away

GENEROUS reader Sarah Cassidy bought her granddad a Toblerone, thinking he’d enjoy the swanky pyramid-shaped chocolate. Not so. “That’s as hard to swallow as Boris Johnson as PM,” grumped grandad.

Tip-top torpid type

WE’RE trying to decide who was the laziest person of all time. Peter Sommerville from Greenock thinks the title should be awarded to who ever named Loch Lochy.

“What next?” asks Peter. “Lake Lakey?”

No spirited defence

A MENTION in the Diary of a locally distilled booze that is puntastically named ‘Glaswegin’ reminds reader Doug Maughan of the way a Cumbrian relative of his pronounced Elgin.

Making no excuses for this tongue-tangled family member, Doug adds: “And that was long before the current explosion in gin production.”

Fido funny

WE continue our run of daffy doggy stories. “What do you call a man with small feet and no dog?” enquires Gordon Wright. “Wee Shoey Dugless.”