Holiday hijinks

IN the years following the Second World War, Portobello was a popular destination for Glasgow Fair holidaymakers. Reader Gordon Wright recalls enjoying one such vacation with his family. He was relaxing on the beach close to a Glasgow clan who included amongst their number a girl of about three years old. Not only did this impish scallywag choose to run around free of the encumbrance of clothing. She also took great delight in sitting on other children's sand pies while in this state of undress. When it became obvious that these other children did not find such behaviour amusing, the scallywag’s mother interjected with the heartfelt plea: "Siobhan! Dinnae dae that, hen. Ye'll get yer doup chokit fou o' saun."

Rakish new leader

GARDENING folk have a deadly foe. A foe so nefarious that gardeners are forced to spend much of their time attempting to vanquish the brute using fearsome weapons such as shovels, rakes and hoes. Alas, former Labour MP, Sir Brian Donohoe, brings us devastating news. It seems that this enemy is no longer at the gates, but has breached the walls of the citadel.

For as Sir Brian points out, the Royal Horticultural Society have appointed a new President.

And his name is Keith Weed.

Journey of discovery

GROWING old continued. Reader Jim Hamilton bought himself one of those handy GPS navigational devices –one that had been specially modified to be of most use to senior citizens. “Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination,” says Jim, “it also tells me why I wanted to go there in the first place.”

A dim view

MORE phrases that can be used in the theatre and the boudoir. David Donaldson suggests: “Dim the house lights. The performance will commence shortly.”

Time for pudding

WE’RE campaigning to have Scottish songs stripped of their haughty arrogance. Reader Harry Thomson suggests a certain hit by Cambuslang’s Midge Ure and his band Ultravox should no longer be about a glamorous European hotspot. Instead it should be a sensual ballad celebrating a reasonably priced dessert.

“Forget Vienna,” says Harry. “Midge’s musical masterpiece should be called Viennetta.”

Face facts

IT’S a 21st century problem. Reader Jack Fowler asks: “What do bank robbers wear on their faces these days to ensure the teller lets them skip the queue?”

Bright spark’s solution

WE now present an epic narrative crackling with dramatic energy. “I asked an electrician to sort out a problem in my house,” says reader Gareth Murray. “He refused.”

Read more: Those were the days