Wotsit all about?

SOMETIMES it seems as though the UK is much reduced in pomp and pride, with very little for us to boast about. Then, just when the country is at its lowest ebb, something truly splendid occurs, reminding us that we are a nation towering above all others.

For instance, in a Leicester crisp factory this week ambitious workers baked the world’s largest Wotsit. Over ten-and-a-half metres long, it has been dubbed Wotzilla.

Hopefully, this mighty snack will now be preserved for all eternity in the British Museum, protected from boorish philistines who might try to gobble it up. Or use it as a pole vault.

The Diary also enjoys celebrating great achievements of thought and action, as these classic tales from the past underline. For instance, a bright and observant chap once asked us: “Why do people wear bum-bags at the front?”

Food for thought

WE recall when Coca-Cola withdrew as a major sponsor of the British Amateur Gymnastics Association. Thankfully the void was filled by Pedigree Pet Foods Ltd. Pedigree chose to name the award scheme after its Kit-E-Kat brand. Neat, don’t you think, with the comparisons between agile felines and supple gymnasts? Though we felt that Mr Tony Murdock, the association’s awards director, took things too far. He stated in a circular on the new sponsorship: “We sincerely hope that all of our current gymnasts who use the awards will support the sponsor and, hopefully, try out Kit-E-Kat cat food in the coming months.”

Picture the scene

COUNCILLORS in Renfrewshire were delighted when they heard that Paisley Art Gallery had been gifted a number of paintings as part of the Saatchi Bequest, which involved distributing contemporary art to the regions. The council report listed the paintings as ‘Swimsuit’, ‘Corset’, ‘Chair’, ‘Not Without an Element of Frustration’, ‘Mr Reasonable’, and ‘Delightful’. A puzzled councillor reading the list just had to ask: “Are these paintings, or the start of a Mills & Boon novel?”

Road to ruin

WE’RE often told tales of those who settle in the north of Scotland who don’t always blend in with the natives. A northern reader once claimed that a new neighbour rang Highland Council to request the removal of the ‘Deer Crossing’ sign on the road. The reason given was that too many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

Dancehall ding-dong

THE folk on the Orkney Island of Rousay once held a dance to raise funds to remove the unsightly abandoned cars, fridges and so on that littered the sides of the roads. The dance was a success, but had to be halted due to a fracas amongst the young chaps attending. The name of the event? The Scrap Dance.

Legging it

WE recall the lady who criticised her neighbour, saying: “She thinks she’s the Queen’s knees.”

A game fellow

A CHAP who was obsessed with boardgames once told us he was researching the history of chess. “It has a very checkered past,” he explained.